Wednesday 1st Dec.
Three more days… 4th Dec… we enter the
4th day… I’m looking forward to a shift, anything at
this point will be good…
Waking up next to Ian, feeling his energy, knowing
that there’s something that hadn’t been finished last time around,
I noticed that there was a calmness that hadn’t been there when
we parted four months ago… we make things happen, it’s almost the
same kind of energy that I have with my son Ray, making shit happen,
its wonderful… our Human Design aligns us, connects us so that what
one of doesn’t know the other fills in the blanks…
This is our time to get everything complete…
I asked him where/what part he saw me playing in his
life… he said, he saw us living close, yet not on top of one another…
I agree that living with him is out of the question, I love my space,
and I love having my family around…
Our roads will continue to parallel, yet not cross…
we support one another, our desires/hopes/aspirations… and I love
him, and I know he loves me… the experience we’ve shared these past
3+ yrs. Has been a life time of adventure, I know there are many
who will never allow themselves to go where I’ve been, seen what
I’ve seen… and that’s the way it’s supposed to be… we all have our
piece of this giant puzzle, all the pieces come together to make
it whole…
7:56 a.m. 2nd Dec. Thursday
Ian is still sleeping, these past four months has
had me/us have our entire being accelerate through this portal where
what I’ve noticed in my life, where once there was dependency, fear
of lose, all that stuff from my past that I got to put to rest when
I had that session with Patricia… so, with out all those attachments,
this new freedom to BE sits on my lap like a new born baby… with
an innocents, yet there’s an ancient wisdom that is my guide from
this moment on… Who we were is not who we are…
We were forced apart, we had gotten to this place
where we were loosing our individuality… I didn’t know where I started
and where I ended, it was as if Ian and I became lost in one another
‘being’… this is not healthy… I wasn’t healthy for us, then it took
quit a while for us to recognize that this was going on, when we
did, the decision was made… I was going to the States… he was continuing
his quest…
We would speak a few times a week, there wasn’t much
that was spoken, he would tell me about the talks set up, and a
few times sharing his loneliness…
It’s clear that we were given this time to rekindle
our own soul… finding that missing element that caused us to not
want to be in one another’s space…
Ian came in on Tuesday, close to 7 p.m. I had to leave
Spirit in the van, in the parking structure, that leaves me feeling
quit uncomfortable… he was more comfortable then I was, I had to
switch gears…
Trepidation set in, so wild, being I’ve been able
to step outside of ‘me’ and be the observer of my mind screwing
with me…
So there it sat, trepidation, no other words followed…
In a conversation I had with Cheri {we’ve been sisters
for 27 years} she was saying, “the man that’s going to be my partner
has to be my girlfriend,” what she meant by that is, feeling comfortable
to ‘say’ anything, knowing there won’t be any judgment from him,
not holding back because…
They are different, we know that, they know that…
so, when I told Ian I wanted him to be my girlfriend, describing
what I meant, there was a moments hesitation, then he got it, he
said, “I can be that.” From that moment on, we were conversing in
this new paradigm called, honest communication, with no-thing held
back… WOW…
Who I was four months ago is not who I am today, and
same for you, he agreed… so, will you be able to set aside everything
from our past? Be with me newly…
My guides told me we’re here right now to “Polish
all the rough edges.”
For the week before Ian left Canada, he had been living
in a Tontric community… he had been speaking about manifesting this
in his life for some time, he created his desire… when I confronted
him with what I didn’t hear, knowing he was holding something back,
then when he was able to tell me the truth, he lightened up, knowing
that what ever he was going to say, I wasn’t giving him the power
to hurt me in any way… this is good, considering we’re starting
fresh, reset…
Two days before he left, I called, left a message,
asking if he were still coming, being he was where he wanted to
be, his new creation manifested…
Well, here we are, doing a new dance, one that we’re
in step with… listening to the same melody… beautiful…
I feel light, renewed clarity, saying to Ian this
morning, “There’s an energy that aligns us, our Human Design, that
connects so that what’s available is certain, and comfortable… Somewhere,
most likely in a past life, things hadn’t run its course to completion,
this is our opportunity to complete all of it…
Jo-e is an amazing hair dresser, a color expert, she
gets $150.00 and up for doing color… So, what do people talk about
when they’re sitting in her chair? Gloom and doom… how their life
doesn’t work, that’s there’s not enough time, that their relationship
is ending because…
Then, here comes mom {me} telling her that everything
is in G-d’s time, that I’m choosing what ever that comes my way,
that I’m doing G-ds work, and all’s well… She couldn’t hear me,
it didn’t register, how could this be, I’m homeless, I don’t have
any money… at the time I made this transition, until the 30th
Nov, that was the night Ian arrived, and while we were talking,
this is what showed up… that in order for me to be in alignment
with my daughter, I had to bring in ‘gloom and doom’… then we could
commiserate…
I told Ian I deserve an Oscar for my performance,
I was believing it… there I go again, hind sight is 20/20…
When I said all that to Ian, he went on to say, “ahh,
here come mom, skipping through life, walking with the angels, knowing
she’s creating everything.” We started laughing so hard… it was
the tone of voice he used, and being animated about it… he said,
after all, you are co-creating your life… I thought about that for
a moment… “How is see it Ian is, I’m not co-creating, in the event
I was co-creating, for me, it would be that I was using something
or someone, outside myself, I’m not, It’s all ME… I am the CREATOR,
who’s creating, into the creation… Therefore, as long as I’m making
this all up, why wouldn’t I create BLISS? I AM…
Saturday
The first day of the 4th day on the Mayan
Calendar. 3/crocodile …
With Storm energy running for 13 days…
What a difference 4 months makes, there’s a rainbow
before me…
What has occurred these past months {because I’m so
clear now} had me clean/clear out, {I want to use the word all,
I know that’s incorrect} ok, for this moment ‘all’, the old stuff
so the clearing/cleansing no longer debilitates me… I also know
{to some degree} that I had it easy… meaning, looking at others
lives, and comparing their life to mine, it effortless to recognize
this grand life I’ve been given…
I’m grateful for the gentle way I had been guided
through all of this, like I said, compared to… While I was enmeshed
in it, there wasn’t ‘gentle’ in my vocabulary… my 20/20 hind sight
has this description be quit accurate.
Thinking about Jeannie, the Shaman who told me what
needed to happen, “tying up all loose ends.” Now I own that, and
in owning it, everything can be completed…
5th Dec. Sunday…
it snowed last night, this was the first snow of the
season for me. I so love the ‘eye candy’… waking up to the magnificent
vista right from my bed, the trees covered, dripping off and the
temperature rises, yet there’s enough to cover the ground… We lying
there in silent mediation, feeling peaceful, serene…
As Spirit and I headed out for our walk, leaving foot
prints in the snow, Spirit’s prints looks like a small bear… there
were havalina prints, deer prints, crossing the road, entering into
the forest, the snow blanketed the ground, the weight of snow on
the tree branches created a canopy effect that would leave as soon
as the snow melted… A flock of birds took flight, they were dancing,
floating, doing loops and turns, I knew they were there to greet
us… Thanking them for their elegant grace…
They landed in a near by tree, gathering to greet
the morning with song, then in one fell swoop, they took off, landing
in another tree, continuing their song… at one point they flew over
my head, oh, maybe 10 feet, close enough to hear their wings flapping…
Remember when I said, “I don’t want to do this alone.”
It took all this time for me to get ‘unattached’ so Ian could return
for us to complete what we started. That’s what Jeannie meant by
tying up all the loose ends…
7th Dec. Tuesday
Lying in bed last night, this thought was running
through my mind, this gave me a new clarity about relationships.
When you get into a new relationship, there’s this
dance that begins, an excitement, because of what you’re feeling
inside… He call’s, asked you out on a date… Two hours before he’s
to pick you up, you shower, look through your closet for the perfect
outfit to wear… you know you want to knock his socks off… The dance
continues…
Fast forward, you’ve been married for a year or so,
he’s not as attentive as he was when you were being courted… What
happened?
That SPECIAL excitement of what was so new seems to
have vanished, Why? What changed? You changed? So did he…
How do you keep the excitement, the dance, the love,
that SPECIAL space in your heart going?
Dress for him the way you did while you were dating,
plan surprises, candle light dinners. Candles in the bedroom, fun
things both of you love to do.. stop walking around looking like
you’ve just finished cleaning the toilet…
When I was first married, {I had just turned 18, my
son was born that same year} I had a huge ‘family’ of friends, also
married, my son was the first… anyway… a few girl friends came over,
one said, “I think my husband is cheating on me.”
“Really, so I have a question for you, what are you
not giving him that you think he’s going elsewhere for it? This
is the deal, be a lady outside the bedroom, be his whore in the
bedroom. When you satisfy his needs, you’re needs will be satisfied
as well, does that make sense to you?
“Yes, absolutely does.”
There was no more talk of him cheating on her.
Ian arrived last Tuesday, amazing week. While we
were in bed last night, and this thought about loosing that SPECIALNESS,
I made a request of Ian, the request was that he treat me special,
and that I in turn treat him ‘special’… He said, he could do that…
What exactly that looks like remains to be seen…
What triggered these thought were, years ago I went
out with this guy, walking towards his car, he opened the door to
his classic Bentley, as he was walking around to his side, I reached
over to unlock his door, he sat down, turned to me and said, “thank
you.” You’re welcome.” He went on to say, “I can’t tell you how
many women I’ve opened the door for, they sit there facing forward
until I come around and open my door with the key, so I really appreciate
your consideration.”
“Wow, for me, its common sense, and common courtesy.”
“I agree, it’s not there with to many women I’ve been with, and,
I don’t ask them out again.”
“Oh well, they’re lose.”
When Ian and I first got together this was something
I asked him to do for me… sometimes he remembered, sometimes I reminded
him…
When Ian returned, and he was sharing stories with
me about being with Christena, he would open the car door for her,
she was impressed, “that was something I learned from you.” I said,
you’re welcome, he then said thank you.
So, if your looking to keep your relationship new,
then act the part. Make each other SPECIAL, don’t dress like a slob…
You’re creating your own reality… make it a good one…
9th Dec. ‘04
I’m pleased, amazed, excited and thrilled having Ian here with
me, I had forgotten how powerful our collective energy is. When we’re
in action, knowing our desires are the similar, we’re in alignment
with our intuition… it is magical, true majix…
The fourth day news that Ian posted, is the most powerful, clear,
he nailed it…the insights, with clear communication… we’re
also in agreement that this is an “US” creation. There
are few people in my life that create this sort of magic, Kathleen
and I do… it’s our Human Design that connects us, we’re
the absolute best with our connection…
We’ve been enjoying one another, having conversations that
alter our consciousness, stepping outside ‘the box’ that
we were in a moment ago… you know when you try on a new article
of clothing, you know it fits you, looks good on you, so you take
it home, this is a metaphor I use in my life… when a new thought
comes forth, I try it on, it either fits or not… keep it or
take it off… easy…
There are differences of opinions, we know it’s a good thing,
being it stretches me, in the event we want to keep our own opinion,
we agree to disagree… that way, we release that subject and
move on… it’s also important to release what ever it is
so you CAN move on, in the event you hold on, and want to be RIGHT,
then you’re not complete… look to see why you would NEED
to hang on to this… will you remember what the subject was tomorrow?
I say ‘not’…
Right now what is being presented is a ‘challenge’ all
of it… I also know I’m up for what ever challenge is on
my path…
Being a parent is challenging, the education I’ve received
from my children has molded me into the person I am today… I
had been a part of a women’s group for almost ten years…
this group started around 1973, while in the group, Eleanor, our fearless
leader, met, John Grey. {Men are from Mars} you know him, Eleanor
experienced his work shop, and encouraged us to partake in his knowledge…
two of my children agreed to be there with me, {now that’s powerful}
When we got started on that first day, I found myself trembling, I
hadn’t put words to the emotions, but my body continued to tremble…
a few hours into the first day, a situation occurred, I wanted to
bold, I was ‘outa there’, John came over to me, “what’s
going on?” “I have to leave, I can’t be here any
longer.” He looked at me sternly, “Sit down.” “You
don’t understand, I have to leave.” John is shorter then
I, yet he towered over me as he spoke with gods authority, “SIT
DOWN.” I did, oh my gawd, how grateful I am that he didn’t
let me leave… talk about altering my life, that was a pivotal
point that took a quantum leap beyond what I could have seen before
the week-end started… I continued to do his work shops, the
layers pealed away, just like the analogy of the onion…
Then I worked for him, he was moving to Mill Valley, the crew that
stayed in L.A. selling his books, making phone calls, gathering people
to come experience him… it was tough, there were few who knew
his name, at that time…
Then in 1988, I did the LandMark Forum… Ray and I did that week
end, that was so remarkable… it was bigger then big, Ray and
I wanted more, there was an advanced course called the 6 day…
we went to Santa Rose in August of that same year, those six days
gave me a new way to speak, more in the listening aspect, knowing
that what I would hear, and how I deciphered what I was listening
to, keeping my thoughts out of it, so I could hear what was being
said, not what I wanted it to be…during those seven years that
I participated with the Forum, I had the honor to be in the presence
of Werner, I had been invited to be with him in small groups of less
then twenty people…
The ease in which he presented life, the manor within him, the grace
and ease in his being… wow…
After those seven years, I knew I needed to be out in the world with
this new way of being, I knew who I was while in the group of like
minded people, those who learned to speak powerfully, be their word,
and being count~on~able…
How was I going to take this out into the world, would people understand
what I was saying? How I was using words that I’ve now been
using for these seven years? I knew I needed to speak into the listening
of those who were set before me…
We’ll, it’s been working, and working really well, there
are times when I would come up against a wall, that’s when I
would surrender… when I was in relationship with Richard, in
Ojai, that was a wall that came up so powerfully uncomfortable, I
had asked him to do the Forum with me, saying to him, that we/I knew
that this relationship was closing, I wanted it to come to a close
with love, not upset… he said he would do the Forum with me…
there was much concern from me, thinking, would he really be present
for himself, or was he doing this to appease me? When the week end
was complete, he wasn’t who he was when the week end started,
he GOT IT… it was powerful for him, so powerful, he continued
with the seminar that is offered so this ‘new’ language
remains… we ending our relationship with love… shortly
after, he met a woman who became his wife, he redid the Forum with
her, this is what magic is all about…
Back to my children…daughter Jo-e would get right in my face
when ever I would speak in absolutes, {Werner was the presenter of
the Forum in August of ’88, she wanted to be there, I was grateful
, knowing how it altered me, she was present to the changes} Jo-e
would say, “Mom, I can’t hear you when you speak as though
this was a universal truth… speaking in the personal, then I
can hear you.” At first I got pissed when she said that, I wanted
it to be universal, I wanted to be right… where did being right
get me? I was left with discomfort, and it left Jo-e and I not speaking…
when I got clear that being ‘RIGHT’ didn’t give
me comfort, it left me and Jo-e damaged, fearful, the fear that if
we spoke, nothing productive would come out… sitting with what
she just told me, REALLY looking at “why do I have to be right?
Has that gained me power? Had it brought me closer to her? What I
wanted was to enhance our relationship, not tear it down…What
do I really want here? I want to be honest, forthright, and in that
space of love with her all the time, so what the hell am I doing?”
“I got what you just said, Jo-e, you’re absolutely right.
I will pay much more attention to how I speak, knowing that it’s
true, what ever I say IS my opinion, in the event what I say makes
sense to another, then they can choose to take it on or not, and it
won’t matter one way or the other what they choose…”
This might not sound big to you, I tell you, this was HUGE in my
life, being how I started listening to others was in that same vane,
that so many I’ve listened to spoke the same way I had, in those
absolutes… once aware of this, there was no going back to how
I had spoken, I, too, will confront those who speak in the absolute,
asking them to rephrase their sentence…
In the past Ian would speak in absolutes, I really had a hard time,
being he wanted to argue that he was right, well, good, “I’m
leaving now, I can’t hear you right now…”
All of us have what we have from the time we entered the planet…
we’ve learned what works, and what doesn’t… the
morals that one culture holds, another culture doesn’t…
Morals are exterior, ethics are internal… being unethical can
leave one feeling distraught, putting distance between you and others…
then you justify your actions…
My Daddy said, “always tell the truth, that way you don’t
have to remember the story.”
Wise words… I give them to you, as they were given to me…
Backing up a couple of days, on the 7th Dec. Mike Shore came to Sedona
for a visit, we wanted to catch up with one another, and fill in the
blanks that were left out in the cosmos some where… While sitting
over lunch, a strange event occurred, a black spot floated in my left
eye, then there were golden streaks, like lightning to the left side
of my face, I asked Ian if he saw anything in my eye, he said no,
he didn’t see anything… I remembered my mom telling me
about these ‘floaters’ she saw, then I knew that’s
what was going on… when I looked close, like the food on my
plate, the floater was there, in the distance, it vanished…
All these changes, constantly, so, what to do about it? Choose it…
that’s what I’m doing… oh well…
I do want this to leave, I know it will when its good and ready.
So, I’m allowing god to work its magic…
Secrets, lies, and lying, with lies, comes secrets, they get uglier
the more the lie comes to the surface, seeing how it puts a wedge
in between the speaker and the listener… why am I writing about
this? Integrity, when you sit with a lie, where did the integrity
go? Right down the crapper… no wonder relationships fail…
why would you want to hold back truths from your partner, {whom ever
‘your partner is} the truth shall set you free, but first it
will piss you off… and if it pisses you off, so what, the truth
is ALWAYS the way to go… look at all the secrets the WHITE HOUSE
holds… millions…way to go guys…
13th Dec. ‘04
Final Papers were mailed today… oh my gawd, I don’t know
how I feel… I suppose the pioneers that crossed the plans to
find their fortune didn’t know how to feel either, setting up
stakes, finding ‘gold’… I’ve been a pioneer
my entire life, always looking for the next adventure… keeping
the excitement going… finding out what’s over the next
horizon…
Well, about the paper work, there’s a waiting period, the International
banks close for 30 days, they reopen on the 15th Jan. ’05…
so, for sure we will be in the states until then, they will take what
ever time they take before we will hear back from them… being
the rapid pace in which ‘money’ is being ‘grabbed’
off the tables, I’m clear that we will get paid quickly…
they want to buy ‘debt’ as quickly as possible…
being that’s what this economy is based on… they don’t
want to get paid, they want debt… doesn’t that sound strange?
It sure does to me, yet, with the understanding of “the truth”…
the studies we’ve been doing for the past two years, the truth
is freeing…
The more truth I know about our government, how they’ve lied
to us from the get go, what they teach in schools, it’s all
lies, in my history class, I couldn’t listen, I knew, even then
that what they were saying wasn’t the truth… now that
I’m studying history, and ‘the truth’… I’m
excited to study, I’m thrilled to learn the truth, and to know
that I wasn’t crazy while sitting in that class room not wanting
them to tell my lies… it’s all so amazing…
14th Dec. ‘04
Thought; thinking about being in a new relationship, how ‘we’
would show up being our best, on our best behavior, to make a lasting
impression… fast forward… no more private time in the
bathroom, your bed is no longer ‘your own’… who’s
going to clean the house, who’s going to the market, pay the
bills… remember the first time you farted in front of ‘this
new relationship’ well, the newness is over, you know you wouldn’t
do this when you were new… oh well, so it goes… no more
being asked out on a date, taking your time in preparation for the
evening… how do you keep the excitement alive?
TALK… and keep talking… share your inner thoughts…
keep them personal… teach one another how to listen… you
don’t need to be rescued… of course unless you ask to
be…
19th Dec. ‘04
Maia my sweet youngest grandchild… this is her 5th birthday…
where did the time go? Beats me…
I haven’t written in quit a while, last night lying in bed,
awaiting sleep, paying attention to my thoughts;
“Good news, news paper don’t sell.”
I’m in this euphoric state… funny when things were going
askew there was so much to talk about, now that I’m floating
through my life in this wonderful state of being, there’s not
much to say…
Here’s an update on our travel plans… we might be leaving
for L.A. tomorrow…{Monday, the 20th Dec.} those were our original
plans… being everything seems to change when ever they choose,
it’s part of the process… so be it…
Thought; Anne Rands book Atlas Shrugged, in the event you haven’t
read this, PLEASE read it… what she wrote was about how the
government wanted to control ALL of the industrial company’s,
giving them no room to make decisions on their own, now this book
was written about 50 years ago… or so… not real sure,
yet I read it about 30 years ago… it’s about 1,100 pages…
fast reading… trust me, avail yourself, read it…
We are witnessing this as clear as these letters on this page…
Knowing where you belong, I know you know, you’ve always known,
yet, living in a big city with as much energy that it takes to stay
centered is challenging… I left L.A. in ’92, knowing in
my heart that being in L.A. was detrimental to my heart/soul…
living in Ojai for six years before moving to Sedona was my stepping
stone, being gently directed to the next faze of my journey…
and what a journey, before I met Ian, I had asked, “So, what
is my next project?” when Ian showed up, I was stunned, saying
to my guides. “you’ve got to be kidding!” They said,
“you wanted a challenge, here it is.”
So, about where you belong, you knew that someday, everything you’ve
ever believed to be your truth is coming up right in your face…
Spirit and I just came back from our walk in the woods, this is the
first time I saw someone sleeping there… I heard sounds while
we walked in, on our way out, he was standing out side his tent, {the
tent was so tiny, Spirit wouldn’t have fit in it} he was folding
his blanket, saying good morning, he smiled, we continued on our way…
When I got back, telling Nancy about him sleeping there, she said,
“there used to be many who were homeless that slept there, now,
not very often, they’ve made it almost imposable for anyone
to stay in the woods…” AAH our free country at work…
What I was clear in seeing in my life was all the gifts I’ve
been given, the trust I have in all areas of my life… when I
got into bed that night, feeling gratitude on the hugest scale…
I am grateful, so very grateful…
Speaking with Nancy, sending her love and acknowledgment, gratitude
towards her, opening her heart/home to us… she said, “where
ever I am, as long as I have a place to live, so do you.”
20th Dec.
AAH Los Angeles… Spirit, Ian and I… can you believe THIS?
I had no idea how my life was going, being the plans I would make,
mostly anyway, had to do with staying in the moment… having
Ian come, having everything we started have a completion, tying up
all loose ends…
Dream; we, Spirit, me and someone? We were walking through a forest,
trees reaching towards the sky, they were huge, I couldn’t get
half way around with my arms open wide, learning up against her trunk.
Turning away from the tree to say something to this person, Spirit
walked into the tree, he vanished… Getting closer to the tree,
saying; Spirit, turn around and came out. Nothing… again I said,
come out Spirit, back out, whatever you need to do, just come out…
I put my ear to the trunk hoping to hear something, still nothing…
I kept focusing my attention to where Spirit vanished… I stepped
back, holding my attention right there… what walked out of the
tree was this beautiful man, we looked at one another, I was stunned,
amazed, speechless…
With my mouth agape, he stepped forward… “You’ve
asked me to come to you as a two legged, well here I am…”
END OF DREAM
Ian arrived on the 30th Nov. So we’re going on being with each
other for three weeks… we’re doing great, there are times
when words come out of my mouth that when they’ve escaped, I
wish I could shove them back in… open mouth, insert foot…
I’ve gotten clarity about my position regarding how I had been
Ian’s Muse and his guide , I’ve resigned from this position,
we’re in agreement about my resignation, I feel complete, there’s
no-thing more for me to do as his guide, this is a good thing, truly…
I asked my guides who my next project was;
“YOU ARE YOUR NEXT PROJECT.”
W O W!
This is a challenge I can/will sink my teeth into, I know I’m
up for This challenge, Big Time…
21st Dec. ‘04
Having a cup of coffee, 7:50 a.m. Ian’s getting up, Ray’s
taking his shower, Reece is sleeping, Spirit and Lucky are patiently
waiting to take their walk…
I think I’ve shared with you about walking around Ray’s
neighborhood, downtown L.A. the factory’s, trains, cars rushing
to and fro… huge change from running in the woods… Spirit
is great, he’s really gotten this one thing he can count on,
we’re together, almost always… no wonder I want him to
come back as a two legged, with this kind of unconditional love, why
wouldn’t I want that? I do, I really want that kind of relationship,
I’ve gone through all the others, tried them all on, sometimes
stayed for a long time, like my second marriage, fourteen years…13
½ to long… yet, being hind sight is 20/20, I see the
perfection of that time, the lessons were brutal… truly, this
is the only way I listen, if it’s a little tap, I tend to ignore
the tap, I’ve learned that for me to listen I need to flip a
half ton pick up truck… which I did about four and half years
ago… that’s when I was asked, “IN OR OUT?”
talk about surrender, WOW, I received a life that I truly love beyond
these words, wouldn’t trade them with Donald Trump…
We’ll be in L.A. for a few weeks, there have been a few people
who want Ian to do talks while we’re here, this is good, being
what Ian loves the most is when he shares with others…I do too…
happiness comes from sharing, the love, the energy connection…
wonderful stuff…
When we go back to Sedona, we’ll need a place to stay, so I’m
putting it out there, something will show up, I trust that…
Staying at Nancy’s was fantastic, living together for about
a month before Ian came, gave us that special ‘sister’
time, just being with one another, sharing stories, knowing that ‘we’re
not alone, our life’s continue to meld. How do you get to know
another? By sharing stories…
Now that Nancy has sold her home, {really good thing} lightening
her load, {aah, I know that one really well} she will be renting from
Gloria until she decides where/when she will leave Sedona… so,
new digs will show…
22nd Dec.
Jonne called, it’s around 6 a.m. she’s in Flagstaff,
and hour difference, she forgot, being we would call one another first
thing in the morning knowing we would be out and about… being
in L.A. is a different animal… so, mostly I sleep in, till at
least 7 or 7;30,
Listening to the radio on her way to work, she had to report what
NPR was announcing; that Fanny Mae was proving to show unethical practices…
well, well, well, are there any surprises? ? ? not from me…
more then a year ago, Ian said, that all the mortgage company’s
would be collapsing… here we go… it’s all timing…
the entire process is about timing… we are following a schedule
after all, where would the surprise be? ? ?
You would only be surprised if you had been asleep for the past five
years, and you’re just waking up, finding the world you left
back there isn’t the world that is functioning today…
Well, this can’t happen over night, it is a process after all,
it will take time, time enough for Ian and I to complete all this
paper, get paid, and get Outa Dodge… the high noon of the 4th
Day is the 1st of June ’05, that’s when I see the system
going ca-put… watch the domino’s fall………………………………………………………………….
We’ve sent for our Diplomatic Passports… in January ’04,
I stood before The Peoples Court, twelve men, they can ask any question
of you, and in the event they find that you’re not ethical,
for any reason, they won’t allow you into the sovereign nation…
I sat with confidence, I sat knowing that I was doing this not just
for me, I was doing this for my daddy, this beautiful man who came
to America thinking he was coming to a free country… they asked
me why I wanted to be sovereign, I told them I was doing this for
my father… that he was born in Poland, that freedom of choice
was all he wanted, love for his family, giving us what he didn’t
get to have… now… we are free…
Here’s another control tactic from ‘The System.’
Ian had left money in Tyhson’s account in Salmon Arm, he didn’t
want to carry a bunch of cash with him, and one must be/prove you
are a Canadian to open a bank account… anyway, the money was
in Canada, Tyhson was wiring it to my account, being this is the only
one we, {Ian and I} have…
Ok, good, we’ll have a few dollars, since this is the exchange
we’re using at this time…we head out for Home Depot, pick
out all the stuff Ian wants for his lap top… at the counter
the clerk runs my debit card, she runs it a second time, decline,
“do you have a different card?” “no.”
Informing Tyhson that the funds didn’t get here, he did what
he could from his end, finding the back sent the amount, neglecting
to put my name on the transfer… so, the paper went back to Canada,
in the mean time, I’m being charge service charges for over
drafts… and the excuse they use for not accepting the paper
is, “All the information Must be clear in order for us to accept
it, ever since 9/11, we’re much more cautious of every paper
that comes into the bank.” Isn’t that comforting…
it sure is for me… {I hope you got the sarcasm}
Am I upset? Pissed? You bet I am, and, I’m choosing my upset,
I don’t see any other way… ever since I left Canada, {2nd
Aug} I’ve chosen every step of the way, it has brought comfort,
even in the chaos… I’m not dancing in the streets, I still
feel my body get tight… I still feel my body respond to situations,
what I’ve been doing about the body sensations is; talking to
me, the question I ask is; “put words to these feelings.”
I’m so pleased with the answers that I’ve received…
Ian was telling me a story about one of his adventures a few days
before coming to the states… I found my body taking on a vibration,
there was discomfort along with the energy rushing through…
inwardly I asked, “put words to these feelings” the words
that came were; “I’m jealous, not jealous that I wasn’t
there, jealous that I don’t have a new love in my life, jealous…”
I know these feelings come from ‘my little girl’ the one
that didn’t get to go with my older sister or brother…
these are ancient feelings… “Ian, I want to share something
that just went through me, can you be open to hear them?” “Yes,
of course I can.” Telling him my process, then going into what
I just told you, and adding that it has nothing to do with him, it’s
not personal, giving us room to continue to learn, this is huge for
me, in the past I wouldn’t want to know, well, I want to know,
then I would be upset, incorporating this into my now way of looking
at my life, what once would take, oh, maybe hours, or weeks to get
over, now, it takes moments… It’s so clear that what ever
he does, truly has no-thing to do with me, when we’re with one
another, that’s what’s there, when he’s with another,
that’s what’s there, when I’m with another, that’s
what’s there… “If ya can’t be with the one
you love, love the one you’re with.”
When I first heard that song, how long ago? Twenty years, maybe…
anyway, when I first heard that song, I thought, “that’s
right.” Made sense to me… still does…
Well, the Home Depot incident didn’t go down well, Ian was
really upset, more pissed then upset, {aah, this human condition setting
in once again} nothing to do but wait, wait until it comes, even though
it won’t be until after x-mas… there are times when I
can remove myself from his energy field, and other times when there’s
an unexpected emotion where I didn’t have a moment to wrap myself
in the violet flame that protects me… oh well… so, what
I did when we came back to Ray’s was, I took a shower, I needed
to wash off all the negative energy that engulfed me…
Even with all the upset, this is an amazing day… Maia and Reece
are with me, Ray and Jodi had things to take care of… what gifts
these children are in my life…
The temperature is cool, no wind, nice enough to be outside, the three
of us went out to play catch, with the trees hanging low, throwing
high balls, {we found out} would knock a branch off, so we kept the
ball low… Maia wanted to play, she said she couldn’t catch,
when I threw the ball to her, I asked her to put all her attention
on the ball, nothing else, she was surprised when she caught the first
throw, and then another, then a another… her entire face lit
up, she got over the ‘can’t’ quickly…
Reece and I played Scrabble, we used a dictionary to learn other words,
making the game much more interesting… noticing when they’re
with me, they aim to please, when their mom or dad is around they
might tend to argue… I have none of that… I heard years
ago, “if I knew how wonderful grandchildren were, I would have
had them first.”
23rd Dec. ‘04
Life is a miracle, there are so many emotions at this moment, they
fly around like a swarm of bee’s hovering around my mind…
I have this gift, being able to read other’s body language…
being as close with Ian as we have been, his body language is clear
to me… when I ask what’s up, the words he give me don’t
correlate with this movements… at that, I let it go, I’ve
pushed in the past, looking for something that jelled with what I
was feeling, that didn’t work, what works is my silence…
allowing the situation to subside, what I’ve noticed is, he
will come at a later date, explain what he was feeling… this
works, pushing doesn’t…
I know how important it is for me to stay centered. Keeping my attention/emotions
personal. When I bring in other emotions from anyone else, there’s
a huge disservice to my soul…
The clarity in thinking {from my mind} and knowing the importance
of keeping my heart pure, clear thinking, meaning not to give energy
to what others do or say… none of what another does has anything
to do with me. They aren’t me, I’m not them… When
I look over there, I might not like what I’m seeing, in that
moment, what serves me is to refocus my energy onto ME, with out prejudice…
then look to see, ‘Who am I being?’
Wanting something I don’t have? Wanting more then I’ve
got? How insane that is… I am whole and complete with no-thing
left out… So why am I sitting in such discomfort? What am I
not giving to me at this moment? What am I with holding?
I am my own beloved… I need no other to fill my needs…!
When a situation occurres and there’s two apposing points of
view… the most important element of communication is to get
to the core issue for resolution… with out resolution the issue
remains an open wound… being the wound remains open, in the
event another issue presents itself, this new issue festers into the
old wound compounding the first supposed unresolved issue… Make
sense?
Getting completion can be a challenge… why? Because the parties
involved need to allow the other to speak with out interruption, hearing
clear statements, and REALLY listening from your foundation, the foundation
of love… didn’t you start your relationship with love,
if you didn’t what the hell are you doing? Now that you’ve
got all that shit pilled on top of love/foundation… it will
take time, and DESIRE to peal away what you’ve piled on top
of your perfectly good foundation…
I have this innate ability to release situations/words and move on…
seeing that holding onto that much discomfort habituates any further
communication, it’s the wound I was speaking about… so,
“Let go, let God.”
Pain and Pleasure… these two emotions are so close, sometimes
the destination is undistinguishable… how do you know one from
the other, COMPARESONS …
Our past is important, very important, everything we are, everything
we’ve learned has brought us into this moment, then, this moment…
anyone can be a Buda, sitting on a mountain top alone, being a Buda
in a crowd, that’s when you know who you are…
24th Dec. ‘04
Ray, Jodi, and the children left this morning to spend x.mas with
Jodi’s family, they’ll be gone for three days… Ian
and I will have the place to ourselves, it already feels strange,
living with the my family has been my dream ever since Ray was first
born, knowing that having the family in one place brought so much
comfort for me… this is what we’re headed for… living
on the land, having everyone do what they love doing…
We do really well, most of the time… we know what works and
what doesn’t… there are those times when “this human
condition shows up, and shit might hit the fan.”
Actually, that’s the time when we learn the most, in allowing
those ‘human’ moments to guide us/me… good thing
too, other wise I would be stuck back being 6 or 5 years old…
NOT, I’m enjoying this sooo much, there’s no-thing anyone
could give me to take this away…
29th Dec. ‘04
Two more days…
Fifteen people came to Ian’s talk last night, HE WAS SO ON,
I’M CONTINUALLY BLOWN AWAY BY THIS MAN… in the past the
audience would be between 80 or 90% women, last night it was even…
that’s a huge break through… HUGE… good goin guys…
bring your friends… you know who you are, you know who your
friends are…you know who wants to hear this information and
who can’t… what I see happening is, those who won’t
allow themselves to hear this, they’re to frightened to step
outside their box, the thought of exploration is waaay to frightening…
honor their process, allow them to BE… you don’t want
them to shove their way of life down your throat, WELL DA…
So, that conversation I had the other day, the one about ‘need
compared to desire… I’m backing up for a moment…
after the talk last night, we were so jazzed, we left there after
midnight, no one wanted to leave, it was fantastic… anyway,
this is how it had been all along when Ian and I would hold the room,
I sit in the back of the room, holding the energy, there’s total
agreement about how our energy holds the container… it works
really well… anyway, back to the original thought… need
compared to desire… we’re in bed, “Ian, remember
the conversation the other day about need compared to desire?”
“yes.” “What I just thought about was this; I’ve
tried on ‘need’, it’s working wonderfully, so what
do you think about giving desire a go, seeing how that fits, what’s
your definition of desire?” “My definition of desire,
is something into the future.” “Ok, that’s not what
I’m looking for, what I’m speaking about is, desire in
this moment, not taking it into another realm, I’m not interested
in taking my desire into the future, I’m staying in the present
moment…” “Oh, okay, I can see that, yes, I can be
with that.” Cool…
Use your imagination to see how the rest of the morning went…
being it was around 2 a.m. when this conversation was in full bloom…
I haven’t checked my email in a week, sometimes this choosing
thing gets challenged, oh well, seems my entire being at this time
is being challenged, so be it… compared to a huge portion of
the world, I’ve got it,… really good… no complaints…
none…
I forgot to mention the storm that’s coming through L.A. .WOW,
this is huge, so last night we didn’t know if people would come
out to hear Ian, when we left the building a little after midnight,
the rain was coming in full force… then driving back to down
town…it was slow going…
30th Dec. ‘04
Ian is reading a book called, Handbook for the new Paradigm…
there’s no author’s name on it… he’s reading
segments of it to me, what is being said, is everything that we’re
{Ian and I} are also talking about… this collective knowledge
is heart felt, knowing that we’re not the only ones that ‘know’
what’s going on in the world… the collective IS coming
together, wow, how comforting/rewarding… Kristina had been given
this little book, she in turn gave it to Ian… there are no mistakes
here… {Kristina, sorry I misspelled your name before}
Weather report; they said it would rain through the entire week-end…
right now, they sky is blue, clouds white, cold, but clear…
Yesterday when Ian was talking about nothing to do, I said, “This
is our time to just be, when we ‘get paid’ we will be
in high gear, there won’t be a moment to spare, that’s
great, I’m excited about it all…
I’m waiting for the laundry to finish, we’re going to
the storage until, I have some winter clothes that I want to find…
not wanting to take too much ‘stuff’ with me, I want Spirit
to have as much room in the van as possible…
Be here now… the creator has made up the rules, so it is a
sure bet that all is as it should be… W.C. Fields said, “Trust
everyone, don’t forget to cut the cards.” Keep following
your intuition… what I’ve said to people is; “when
you hear that little voice that says, GET OUT, MOVE… just do
it, don’t ask why, don’t hesitate, just do it… have
your car ready, full tank of gas, and an extra 10 gal. plenty of water…
camping equipment… matches… a change of clothes…
a meeting place in the event your beloveds are in different places…
those of you who have been following the Mayan calendar know all this…
you know what needs to be done…
The day after the election, there were 55,000 applications for citizenship
into Canada, this has NEVER happened, do you think that there’s
a consciousness raising here?
Well, that’s it for today… I’m going to get to
a computer that has internet so I can send this to Mike… {Hi
Magic Man, I love you}
Until next time, many blessings… In Lak’ech… Matty…
31st Dec. 2004
This is the last time I will be writing 2004… amazing…
tomorrow… 2005
Hold onto your butts, I don’t know if the seat belts
will be enough… this ride just went off the tracks, it’s free floating…
spacey… the weightlessness in this atmosphere is stunning, this is
where I’ve been in my dreams… now it’s here in real time… W O W.
A few more hours and counting, the last time my children
and I were with one another on New Years, was when they were really
young… I can’t remember being with them as adults… amazingly magnificent…
The gap in our ages are getting shortened, I gave
birth to Ray when I was 18, then one year and one day later, Jeff,
Jo-e was born in ’65, I was 22, then Kelly came in ’71, I was 28…
when I was 13, my girl friend and I made up what our lives were going
to look like when we were adults… I said, I was going to have four
children, I would have them all before I was 30, that way when they
grew up, I would be young enough to go play, well, two boys and two
girls, in that order, exactly how I planed it, no surprises… she was
going to marry a doctor… I had my four children, she married her
doctor…
This conversation about Need/ Desire keeps showing
up, I’m dissecting how this is for me in relationship around my relationship
with Ian, {at this time} so, I tried on desire for a couple of days…
desire doesn’t fit… it’s like having tight jeans that I continue to
pull out of my crouch… where ‘need’ sits on my skin, like a second
skin, comfortable…
Now that this is complete, I can go onto what ever
is next… the joy of discovery is; with each new expression comes clarity…
I love that part…
Looking through some boxes in my storage unit, my
Mayan Oracle cards reappeared, yeah… I haven’t seen then for six months…
my runes were there as well, I’m so happy…
Thinking about the Mayan cards, being I’ve had them
since 1994, if I hadn’t had them, I wouldn’t have had a desire to
accept an invitation to hear Ian speak, that’s when we met, I went
because a friend had him come to her home and speak about the Calendar…
this is so divine…
Before choosing a card, I asked; “Where am I now?”
The card chosen was;
A H A U
The Magical
Child
I Am Ahau, I Am that I Am, Inexhaustible supple of
love, sourcing infinitely in all worlds, the seed of solar mastery
containing the staller hologram of your return, I Am the Sun’s love
made visible as you…
This is a small blurb… I’ve done readings for others,
they’ve been right on every time…
There was a huge internal shift with in me the moment
I dropped the papers in the mail box, these are for my Diplomatic
Pass Port, Ian and I looked at one another, I said,
“I’m a Stewart
of the Galaxy.”
I hadn’t thought about this, it showed up… it showed
up with such clarity, my body vibrated when the words come to the
surface… Ian responded by saying, “I get that too.”
click here January for 2005 ->
