This is a Test - Matty's Journal November 2004

Monday… 1st November 2004

I’ve moved over to Nancy’s… amazing… all my ‘stuff’ is put away, the guest house is quiet, surrounded by tree’s of all types, Nancy has a ‘green thumb’ everything she plants/touches turns into beautiful ‘eye candy.’ I’m sitting on the couch, while Spirit lie’s near me on the floor, I know he’s ok as long as he’s near me, and I’m ok as long as I’m near him…

Yesterday we went to Gary’s, when we spoke on the phone he said, “you’ve been here an entire week, I haven’t seen you.” “Are you alone?” “Yes.” “So, this is a good time for me to come over?” “Hurry.” “I’m in the Village, do you want me to bring you anything, have you had lunch?” it was 2:30, Spirit and I had gone to visit Sao, a beautiful magic man that I feel so blessed to have in my life… I shared the coaching that I had with Rose, where I had come to a deeper understanding that ‘fear, discomfort, anxiety, and the uncertainty of where I was sitting within caused me to not be in my body… He said, “ you’re in perfect harmony with your Planetary Alignment.” He told me a story that changed the direction of his life’s path… “In 1997 Archangel Michael came to me, he said, Sao, “tell me Sao, what do you know’… I don’t know what I know… “you think about it and get back to me.” for the next two days I thought about what I know, when ever something would show up that I thought I knew, I would ask myself, ‘what do you know about that?’ the answer was the same, “I know nothing about that… at the end of the second day, I called Michael”, he came, “I said, well Michael, I’ve thought about what I know for the past 2 days, what I’ve come to is… I know nothing…” Michael put his fingers together forming a circle, the other three fingers in the air, “Perfect Sao, now you have a place to start.”

“Thank you for sharing that with me, I see that for myself, that I know nothing, and I am no-thing, at the same time I am everything…” exactly was Sao’s response…

Sao talked about the dark, his passion shows brightly about how human conditioning has set us apart from the creator… we came from darkness, nine months in the womb, that was our starting point, Mother Earth started out in darkness, she is the dark force, {not negative} Father Sky/Sun is the light energy, Father thinks, he is the decision maker… Earth Momma doesn’t make decisions… their collective energy is where the power that BE resides…

Sao looked at me, his brown eyes twinkled, I was feeling his love, he said, “Madaline, your passion right now is your “Personal Evolution.”
This is a/my truth I can/will live with some comfort…

I got over to Gary’s, we shared what had been going on from the last time we were with one another, he’s such a dear brother, I love him so…
When I told him about going to Canada, telling him that he was coming with, saying that I won’t take no for an answer, that I would kidnap him if it came to that… he laughed, his smile warms my heart…

Tuesday… 2nd November

Ian called yesterday, he said he was invited to Tempe AZ, toward the end of Nov, they’re having a Mayan Calendar Symposium, he was offered a booth, he wanted to know if I would be willing to come and work the booth with him… “Yes I would love to be there with you.” I suggested he fly into Phoenix right after he completes his talks in Canada, have a few days in Sedona, then onto Tempe, then to L.A. for Thanksgiving week…

He said that sounds like a good plan. it will be 3 ½ months since we were with one another… I’m excited…

My first night at Nancy’s, we prepared a meal, sat a talked ‘girl talk’… I have beautiful angles in my blessed life… WOW…
Nancy rented “Angels in America.” 6 hours, we watched it in two nights…

I’m being challenged all the time, I read a lot, that’s wonderful, yet, I’m not content about how my energy is being used, I need more stimuli… I know this “test” that’s being presented to me causes much discomfort in my body, those moments are my challenge, my intuition tells me to choose them, then my mind argues…
I continue to talk with everyone about work, I’ll do what ever, I know my needs, that is to keep my body/soul moving forward… it will come, I know that too, it’s being in the flow of ‘allowing’

Well, it’s the 3rd Nov.
Bush ~ what a trip, we thought the ride we’ve been on was wild, ‘LOOK OUT,’ the dark energy wants to continue to rule… NOP, the light is shinning brighter then ever, soon it will blind out ALL the darkness, trust in the Light/Dark/Love ~ we can’t have one with out the other… from the crown charka down to the 4th, is the light, that’s where we’ve been holding our energy, yet with out holding ALL OF IT, the dark/light energy, the exclusion is/will/can devastate the planet… from the fourth charka down is the dark… it’s time, TIME, to embrace the entire portion with no-thing left out… gotit? good…

Spirit and I are at the Creek, the sun is strong, soft breeze caressing the golden leaves on the trees… I feel safe/nurtured, content here, listening to the water cascading down the rocks, the sound is soothing, comforting… This feeds my soul…

Spirit walked over to where I’m sitting, he’s whimpering, “what?” he turned his face up stream, “Go.” he spotted a small dog on the other side of the stream, he walked across the stream, finding his footing, he loves the water, yet he won’t swim, his a funny guy… he wanted to say hello, he’s so beautiful, standing the water,
Sao said, “Ya know the feeling when you’re standing at the rim of the Grand Canyon, that feeling of peace, that feeling of the grandness of it… when Spirit is in my space that’s the energy he brings, he’s one amazing creature.”

Spirit played with the little dog, when I called him to return, he couldn’t find the same safe place he found crossing, he was having trouble finding his footing, the stream is running pretty fast… of course he made it, he looked up at me, I told him what a good boy he is, and how well he listens… I could feel his smile…

Many people walked by us, some would stop and talk, others would be on their way, a couple came by, cameras hanging from the necks, it was a magical day for photo ops… she asked me if ‘my dog would stand over there,’ pointing to a flat rock with the growing red rocks in the back ground, if he would stand there so she could take a picture of him… he walked over, stood still, when she was done, she thanked him, he came back and sat down next to me… this guy is amazing…
I wait, listen and wait some more, staying in the moment, I want to know what’s next, yet I know I’m not to know until that next moment appears, then the next, my words flow in the NOW moment, then its gone, [his]tory…

So many questions, so few answers, they’re a 1000 miles away, at least I’m not chasing them like I used to. I’m no longer the rat running on a wheel seeing how many miles I’ve run…

Breath dam you breath, how I forget at times… These times are a changin, faster with each new breath, creation is on the ‘fast track.’ Keepin up is the challenge at hand…
While sitting at the creek I sketched the trees, wish you could see them, sorry… It’s getting colder, we’ve been here for the past couple of hours, seems like 10 min., what a wild concept…

4th Nov.
I came over to Kathleen’s, she was at work, so her computer was available to me, I sat from 10:30 until 4:45, feels good getting my hand written words to Mike… who ever you are that’s reading my journey, I thank you with my entire heart… {taking the H from heart, putting it at the end, you have EartH} just something that slipped in…

The Library was having a huge sale, some 80,000 books for sale, Nancy brought me a book: ‘Calendar, by David Ewing Duncan…
I’ve only just started reading it, yet whats having me tell you right now is this: the speaker, Roger Bacon, 1267 AD… says, “The calendar is intolerable to all wisdom, the honor of all astronomy, and a laughing – stock from a mathematicians point of view…
Bacon declared that anyone who rejected the truth offered by science was a fool…

I think today is the 6th
These past two days have been magic for me, I’ve walked through another portal… I’ll recreate it as best I can… ~ Here goes…

Can’t put my finger on any of this, yet this is what’s going on: Patricia’s car is and has been for a while on its last leg, Gary has 3 car’s, well, 2 and a van, none of which run, accept down hill… I, {the homeless one} have the vehicle that’s count-on-able, Patricia needed to go to Anne’s, {Anne lives in the village, about a 20 min. drive, I picked Patricia up, took her to Annes, then home, now… Gary and I are going to Tucson, I picked up Gary, he needs to cash his check, back into Sedona, it’s 4:05 when we pull out of the bank parking lot, we have a 4 hr drive… I just keep, keepin on…

We giggled, telling each other stories we hadn’t shared before, stopped at a rest stop so Spirit can stretch his legs. Back up, we stopped at Anthem, the usual, pee, fillup, and Mocha… while at the pump, the car next to us had three small children, all under the age of eight… mom was inside paying for her gas so at that moment she wasn’t there, I waved to them, they waved back, I asked the kids if the wanted to meet my dog, they looked at me, didn’t say a word, I opened the side door of the van, Spirit stepped out, the mom returned, I asked her if it were ok that the children say hello to Spirit, the middle of the three children, climbed out of the window of the drives side, climbed over the car to get closer to Spirit, the car was a beat up old convertible, mom had a scowl look on her face, I’m sure she wasn’t any older that 30, yet she looked older then me… I asked her if it were ok for the children to say hello, when she looked at Spirit, and the look of wonder on her children’s faces, the response was, “he’s a big dog!” the children were all giddy, filled with delight, she smiled, a softness came over her, this was the most beautiful sight I’ve seen to date… Spirit got close so the children could pet him, he changes peoples worlds…

Gas filled we were ready to roll, two young women {early twenty’s} were sitting outside taking a break… Spirit told me he wanted to meet those girls. “OK” I told Gary what Spirit said, he was ok with it… I pulled forward into a parking slot, I had spoken with them before I got back into the van, when I walked over to them this time they just looked up at me, I said, I’m a strange old lady, my dog wants to meet you, they just sat there, I walked back to open the door, when they saw Spirit they got up, came over, we were there for another 5 min. there’s an energy that he has, an energy that has people change their consciousness, or something like that…

As we drove away, I heard, “this is what you’re to do, be with people, you change peoples perspective forever, just your presence” of course with Spirit, watch what happens…

We stayed at Oggie and Belle’s place, we’ve stayed there before, Oggie has a weekly local T.V. show, Ian’s been interviewed on his show a few times, he has progressive thinkers, people who make a difference in the world… anyway, stayed just the one night, getting everything we had gone there for, as we were driving home, Gary said, “you’ve made a huge difference in Oggie and Belles lives.” I didn’t ask for particulars, it didn’t seem to matter…Thank you Gary…
Gary wanted to stop at Fry’s electronics’ in Phoenix on our way home, I said to Gary, “I love that store, I know if I go in with you I’m gonna want to look at stuff, so, I’m staying in the van with Spirit.”

We pulled into the parking lot, found a place near the front entrance, I opened the back latch, sat there with Spirit, I told Spirit we’re hangin here until Gary gets what he needs, so just chill…

We said hello to whomever walked by, one guy said, “keepin your dog calm?” “No, keeping him company.” he walked closer, “Oh ya, he’s mellow, what’s his name?”… I tell him, “Well, Spirit is his last name, what’s his first, … free.” good one, Spirit takes it all in, he’s lying with his feet crossed, when someone would come by he would lift his head, otherwise he would have his head resting on his legs…

So, should I get a sign that reads, HELP US WE’RE HOMELESS… just kidding, I wouldn’t do that, I’m showing you my dry sense of humor… I got that from my momma…

OH MY GAWD, Gary gave me a foot massage last night, I almost forgot, that was the highlight of this journey, it was midnight by the time we settled in, when we arrived in Tucson, we were so hungry, we went to the same place we went last time to meet Oggie and Belle from the T.V. station… it was a balmy evening, and Spirit can sit with us outside, wonderful…
While Gary was massaging my feet, I spaced traveled to Canada, the place Ian’s been describing to me, I was there, standing on the ground, feeling the energy, wow, magnificent…

Ian said, “we need to have a home base in Canada, other wise where are you going to live?” Good question…

Sunday… 7th Nov.

MONDAYS child is fair of face,
TUESDAYS child is fully of grace,
WEDNESDAYS child is full of woe
THURSDAYS child has far to go,
FRIDAYS child is loving and giving,
SATURDAYS child works hard for its living,
and the child born on the Sabbeth day is bonny and blithe,
and good and gay….

I was born Tuesday, 10:40 am. the Bronx New York…

Well, I’ve been asking for work, today, tomorrow and the next I have work… I love that part, ask, and ye shall receive…
Kathleen went to a yard sale, the guy is moving out of Sedona, Kath asked if he needed or wanted help packing… she called to say she gave my number to Joe, within moments he called, wanting to know when I could come… I could come now, he said, “I need to run for some more boxed, how about 2 hours… great…”
Organizing is one of my specialties, asking Joe what he was taking, what was being left for the movers, his things were getting packed, having every box marked, Spirit was in the house with me, just hangin’… It was a rainy day, low clouds, Spirit doesn’t like walking in the rain, funny, he loves standing in the water, yet, to have it rain on him, no, he doesn’t want to have anything to do with that part of mother nature…

It was after 5 when I left, Joe asked me to come tomorrow, wonderful… I was hungry… I went to the Chinese restaurant, its across the road… it’s really dark, black clouds, I left Spirit in the car, telling him that I’d bring him something… I took a piece of chicken, {I don’t eat chicken so this is truly a treat} when we got back to Nancy’s, I pulled apart the chicken, put it in his bowl, he was thrilled…

Have you ever heard of ‘Dr. Pepoles?’ {not sure if I’m spelling it right.} anyway, I hadn’t heard of him either, Patricia has been having conversations with him for a few years… There’s a women in Cottonwood that channels him, others do as well, anyway… Patricia had a conversation with him on Thursday, the day before Gary and I went to Tucson, she gave us a copy to listen to… big wow… I love hearing things I’ve not heard before, or hearing it differently so it finds it’s way through me, grabs hold so there’s a new understanding… what follows is a blurb that impacted my world…

I’m paraphrasing … Duality, when you continue to ask yourself, “why”… you’re living/creating your world in duality, why, puts you in the past or thinking about the future, your thought patterns are split, ~ duality ~ this or that,
~ duality ~
you say, “I don’t want to get sick!” then when you get sick you say, “I told you I didn’t want to be sick.” The message received, ‘sick’ was given as asked… The I DON’T WANT part does not compute, same for “TIME”… they don’t know ‘Human Time’ then we get pissed, yet pissed perpetuates the illness, or what ever it is you’re asking for, my girl friend would say, “I don’t want to get lost.” DA, guess what, she would get lost, until she understands her language, she will continue to get lost…

THIS BODY STORES THE TEMPLE THAT IS ALWAYS STRONG, CENTERED, CLEAR, BODY, MIND, SOUL. THIS TEMPLE IS THE IAM FROM THE DARK CAME THE LIGHT…

I hold this temple in my/the highest order…the violet flame that continues to shine, bringing comfort to my body temple… if there is any discomfort in my body that may appear, I breath that in, then send it out, what I replace it with is angel dust, I sprinkle it over my crown charka, invite pure love energy to amerce me in that violet flame… knowing that I’m taking care of me… first…
Then, and only then will I have the energy to take care of the children… all of them… my energy comes from with in… my light comes from within… my motion comes from within… my love, where else can it come from…?

Mother Teresa was out in the field, being with ‘her children’… the table of food was set, Mother Teresa setting food upon her plate, saying her prayers, giving thanks for the abundance, one of her young attendance comes over, “Mother, how can you eat first when all the children are starving?” Mother looks up at the young women, “Dear one… If I don’t take care of me first, who will have the straight to take care of the children?”

So guys, this is it in a nut shell, get out of your head… Duality… NOT…
we’re all one… remember?

This message is in each and every one of us… be kind, hold hands when you cross the street, you remember all this? I know you do… who was it, Shel Silversten that wrote the book, Everything we need to know we learned in kindergarten…

Where was it, where did we drop our inner child off, go get her, pick her up in your arms, hold her close to your heart, tell her you’ll never desert her again, tell her how sorry you are for all the times you’ve hurt her, all the times you weren’t paying attention to her needs, that you’ll ask her first what makes her happy, ask her what feels good to eat, not that “junk food again, please you’re making us sick.” let’s sit down, the entire family, even though it might be the ‘two’ of you, make something healthy to eat… STOP running around… STOP being the rat in the cage… where do your priority’s lie? Talk to one another, tell stories, all the stories from the elders will die if you don’t share them, do the children know where their grandparents came from, how their lives were, what about you? Do they know who you are, do they know what your passion is? Do you know what you’re passionate about? well, go find it… I know it’s not sitting at a desk for 8 hours each day… then you’re to tired to play with the children…
“Take me here, take me there, buy me this, get me that.” The children today have no imagination… where did it go… it was washed out of them… SAD… OH SO SAD… soon, they will be grown, you’ll look back feeling sorry, knowing you’ve missed out on the most exciting times of their lives… it’s not to late,
WAKE UP
Well, that’s my sermon for the day… boy did I go off, this wasn’t in my written notes… just came… glad it did… I needed to hear this… I needed to remind myself about my little 6 or 5 year old that wants to be loved, that wants to be taken care of, that wants to be included in decision making…

When I was told to return to Sedona to tie up all the loose ends, I hadn’t a clue as to how many loose ends needed tying up… the loose ends are my soul, my heart, my direction… to manifest my life every nano second…

Seeing this to completion, there’s a clearer knowing ~ the word understand, I believe comes from the mind, it’s a “thought” that’s been “taught”…

Kathleen asked me, “how do I know when it’s my intuition?” “It’s that first instant thought, the very first one, when you allow that first thought to be diverted by your mind, by your analyzing, your reasoning why you should/shouldn’t do it… you will know that you’ve taken yourself away from your intuition… make sense?” “perfect sense, thank you, that cleared it up.” yeah…
Another story from Sao, “I have this friend Susie, Susie is about 95lbs. a wee bitty thing, we were deep in this emotional conversation, I say to Susie, pick up that 250 lb rock over there, Susie looks at me, “You’re crazy.” No, no, go pick up that rock, just move it, move it a babies finger off the ground, she looked at me, you’re scarring me Sao, stop it or I’m leaving, I said it again, she left, she didn’t call me for about five days, then she showed up at my house, she had her baby with her, the baby was crawling around on the floor while we talked, she asked if I were felling better, I said, I wasn’t feeling poorly, she said, Sao, I’m 95lbs, how can you think I could……… the baby let out a blood curdling scream, Susie ran over to her baby, his finger got caught under the rock, Susie moved that rock, the babies finger was saved.”

C A N’ T ~ W H O S A I D S O!

Mountain climbers, sky divers, bungee jumping, find what scares the shit out of you, then go do it…

You know you can’t ‘try’, you either are doing whatever it is, or your not… try to sit down, no,no, you sat, you can’t try…
TRY: AN ACT OF TRYING; AN ATTEMPT, ENDEAVOR, OR EFFORT…
Nike has it right: JUST DO IT…

At this moment I’m feeling passionate about my life, the adventure, intrigue, fantasy, consciousness, all revolves around {MY} EVOLUTION…

Thought popped in… I was waiting in line to buy my movie ticket, spotting a friend I hadn’t seen in quite a while, maybe a year… I don’t know, anyway, when we looked at one another, we walked into this beautiful embrace, he said, “I thought I would never see you again for the rest of my life.” When we hug, there’s something ancient, something beyond this time, I love Steve, I can feel his in return…
Thinking about him, and thinking about passion, knowing what he’s passionate about, he’s passionate about his children, he plays some mean violin, wow…

He doesn’t live in Sedona full time, his wife and children moved, so, even though he’s not living with the family, he knows he doesn’t want to miss out on watching them grow… he comes to Sedona to breath fresh air, and to get ‘juice’…

So, I was thinking about how, {as humans} we ask the same question when we meet someone, or talk to someone that we hadn’t seen in a while, the question is… “How are you.” the answer that’s given is usually a lie… reason? because the one that’s answering doesn’t believe the one thats asked really cares… it’s just an opening line… so, my new question is… “what are you passionate about?” I’M PUTTING THAT TO YOU NOW… What are you passionate about?

Man, I’m sitting with my fingers on the computer keys, what am I passionate about? Writing, my children, Spirit, standing outside seeing the stars, as their shinning tonight… sharing joy/love… waking up in the morning, knowing I’ve been given this day to be passionate in… and by the way, not necessarily in that order… when I was organizing with Joe, I was feeling my passion, knowing that he and I were creating, and making things happen, with grace and ease… when I’m feeling challenged, passion doesn’t seem to exist… how can it just disappear? I’m sure its always there, just covered over with other shit so that I can’t find it right then…

So, Steve’s passion is totally interchangeable, the children/violin… his life’s passion remains steadfast, #1…
Put a #1 sticker on your 3rd eye… Oh, now I’ve got it, the women from India have the red dot to remind themselves… ~ I AM… ~ #1…
I just made that up, I don’t have a clue about the meaning… tell me please, whom ever knows the true meaning behind the ‘red dot’… thanks in advance…

11 ~ 11 ~ ’04 Thursday

5 ½ months ago Ian and I were escorted out of our home. The experiences have been incredible, even in those times of major stress, I have NO REGRETS. Your support, love, admiration wouldn’t have come otherwise. My gratitude reaches to and beyond the cosmos…

This morning an incident occurred that triggered an emotion that had been covered over with ‘life’s’ stuff…

This is what happened… I sat and wept the entire day… this was the day for me to mourn the passage of five years of my life, five years of nurturing energy going into my beautiful home, where family and friends came, there were tears and laughter, wonderful smells coming from the kitchen, Spirit sleeping by the fire, the chickens giving me eggs daily, where whom ever needed a place to rest their heads, knew they were welcome, where the door was never locked… there was always room for one more… today I mourned this lose, today was a good day, grateful that it come to the surface, for a moment wondering why it took so long, yet, I was given this when I could be with it… that time was amazing, graceful, plentiful, truly extraordinary… not one regret… not one…

So, for 5 ½ months I’ve been homeless, my youngest child has the hardest time with this, she wants her mom to be settled, I understand, I want to have a home base, I’m ready for a home base… up until now I didn’t know where I wanted my home base, I know now, I will be going to Canada, near Nelson, on the water, near the water… land… lots of land… my eldest son, his wife, their two children, they’re ready to leave the states… the others, well, “whatever”… my desire is for all of them to come, and, what ever their desire is, I will honor that…

There’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I’ve always known that, it’s finding the end of the rainbow, that’s the hunt, that’s the adventure, that’s the challenge, and for my life, I need that challenge, I get into my head, make myself crazy when I have nothing to do, I need that challenge, I need to keep myself busy… I love that…

Well, its been a long emotional day… it’s 8:40, I’m going to soak in the bath tub, then climb into bed…

The tub was hot, felt good, the tub I had in my home was a huge claw foot, one where I could stretch out, miss that too…

Climbing into bed with “This Family of Women.” by Richard Peck, history, going back to the mid 1800’s, it’s a rarity, wholly moving, the characters are very much alive for me… beautifully written…
good night for now…

Friday…
The space wasn’t familiar, seeing two huge spiders, one was at least 3 inches long, the other a smidge shorter, it was if they were arguing about who was going to eat this smaller spider, the smaller one gobbled it down so fast there wasn’t anything the other one could do, the larger one got angry, he attached the smaller one, I heard a noise behind me, I turned back to see who was there, when I turned back to see the spiders, they were lying side by side, I felt their contentment, their vow of friendship… wild dream, don’t know what it means… I’ve never had a fear of insects, just a fascination…

Yesterday was the day of cleansing, completion of another chapter in the life of Madaline Weber, aka… Matty…

Spirit chased a cat this morning, when he returned it was clear that he injured himself, he strained or pulled a muscle, I panic, being he doesn’t have words to describe what or where it hurts, touching, squeezing his hind right side, he cried out, ok, there it is… I gave him Diphenhydramine, the vet had given that to him when we returned from L.A. he wouldn’t lie down, he hurt, moving make it worse… I got ‘Rescue Remedy’ put a few drops on his tongue… he slept through the night, thank you God…

Nancy and I watched, “Super Size Me”… a documentary about fast food and what it does to ones body, he ate 3 meals a day for 30 days, from McDonalds…I won’t tell you more, check it out for yourself… Nancy and I were blown away… it’s scary, really scary…

MESSAGE FROM A HOPI ELDER

“You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour, now you must go back and tell the people that this is the Hour. And there are things to be considered. Where are you living? What are you doing? What are your relationships? Are you in right relation? Where is your water? Know your garden. It is time to speak your Truth. Create your community. Be good to each other. And do not look outside yourself for the leader.” Then he clasped his hands together, smiled and said, “This could be a good time!”

Monday 15th Nov.
Three nights ago, I had a big four hours worth of sleep, I read until 3am, I could have stayed up the entire night, yet, when I looked at the time I knew I needed to shut my eyes…
One very important issue right now is, I can count on no-thing being what it once was, or what I used to call normal…

Then two nights ago, I slept for 10 hrs… go figure… last night I read until 1:30, up at 7, Spirit and I have been taking longer walks, its quite chilly in the mornings, I found a wonderful open forest for us to run through…

I’ll be leaving Sedona on Friday, do a sleep over then get to Ray’s {my son} before noon on Saturday… I pray Ian doesn’t change his mind about coming to the states, he said he would come after the holidays… I know I’m welcome to stay at Thyson’s, {that’s where I was living in Salmon Arm} and our Motor Home is parked in his yard…

Daughter Jo-e is so stressed out she told me today she’s thinking about taking drugs to help keep her balanced, and her son, she said he’s off the wall… no doubt… they live in L.A. It’s a wicked place for some, there are many who are thriving… bless them… or are they numbed out? Hypnotized, mesmerized, super sized… I can see why there will be so many who will truly not want to be here… it’s painful… the challenge is uncomfortable, my body aches… I get hungry, yet I don’t know what I want to eat… I’m tired, sleep doesn’t come… I know this will be coming to a close soon, yet while I’m in it, there are times I feel like I’m being tortured from the inside out…

Hours tick by like minutes, minutes tick by that seems like hours… everything is so strange…

This morning I felt lost, WHERE IS MY HOME? I need to have my home, yah, I hear that too, “home is where the heart is.” There are those moments when I feel that, not now though…

As the day wore on, the stress lifted, not totally, Gary came over, I’ve got his lap top, for what ever reason, all my writing turned red, there was a line on the left side of the paper, I couldn’t change it back to black, it took Gary about 15 min. to correct the problem…
Gary cracked my back, he does this each time I see him, at lease for a little while there’s relief… more gratitude…

16th Nov… Tuesday…

Three more sleep overs and I’m off again…
Eight more days till my B-day… I love birthdays, especially mine… the memories from my childhood are warm and fuzzy… my dad came up with the most inventive cakes… {he was a baker for a living} he made a cake for my doll one year, I had a birthday party for her… anyway… there it is…

I haven’t spoken to Ian for about four days, so the last conversation I had with him was that he would be coming after Thanksgiving… I don’t know if you heard about what happened with the symposium we were going to do, you might have read the letter that Ian posted, being Dr. Chet Snow wouldn’t allow Ian or Carl to be a part of “his” week-end…

Being that one conversation we would have, he would be coming, then not, then maybe, then, then… so whenever someone would ask me if he were coming, my answer would be,
“the last conversation I had he was coming, so I’ll hold that until I hear other.”

Last night around 5:20, as the sun was setting, the colors that were dancing on the red rocks were quit surreal, this is one of the most magical times in Sedona, the changes of season here is unique and wondrous… the rocks turn a burnt umber, in the far distance, the light was beaming in such a way it appeared as though a spot light were coming for the earth, I was driving so I only got a glimpse of the vision, Nancy described what she was seeing, it matched what I saw… the moon was a sliver on the right side, huge, hanging there like some clown saying, “hey, look at me, hey, look over here, I’m talkin to you…”

One more book for you to read, beautiful, touching story, life altering…
this passage is from “A Walk To Remember”… By Nicholas Sparks…

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.”

Print that one out, put it on 3by5’s and give it to everyone you know, then tell them to do the same… can you imagine our world living with this love…

I C A N . . .