Matty's Journal
April 2009

Madaline Weber

New Nu Skin - Reverse the Aging Process!

Read about the Galactic Transformer

Ian's "One of a Kind" Jewelry pieces

8 / Serpent


Open or Closed?


It’s taken me till this now moment for me to realize that I hadn’t allowed my heart to be totally open.


This morning on my walk, a memory returned.

Ian and I were living in Salmon Arm at Sarah’s.

Ian was  doing what he believed was the right remedies.

I was being with what ever choices he made.


Anyway, this morning, Spirit was walking really slow.

The scene returned.


Ian, Spirit and I were walking down the road,

Ian said, “You go on, I’ll wait for you here.”

“Do you want me to get the car?”


“No, no, you finish your walk, I’ll wait.”


Returning, Ian was sitting on the rock where I had left him.

His elbow on his knee,  open hand on his chin.


Again, I asked if he wanted me to get the car.

That was the last walk we took.


 Spirit and I walked.

I would sing to the healing gods, the devise, all the angels.

Feeling as though my heart had been put into a vice.

Not know what to do with my own discomfort, I continued to sing.



The wild flowers were in full bloom,

Feeling hot tears, picking flowers to make a bouquet for Ian.

Since he couldn’t walk to see them, I brought them to him.

The smile on his face warmed me.


Today the memory returned

Today a huge opening occurred.

More memories,

I’m ten years old,  my Bubby  dies.

My heart closes.


I’ve experienced so many losses.

To open my heart, and feel the lose.  I couldn’t handle any more.


Today was a day of weeping. All day.

I worked in the garden for five hours.

It felt so great, moving dirt. Feeling tears cascading down into the earth.


Being one with Mother, the trees, feeding the grass to ‘donkey’.


Would I live my life differently?

Yes, being I’ve experienced my life ‘this’ way, I would want to experience something totally unique, different than this.

 I would keep my heart open all the time.

What would be the purpose of keeping it closed?

Protect me from what?


There’s a question that you’ve heard.

What’s the worst thing that could happen?’

The answer most of the time is,  die.


Yet, the reality is.  Dying is not the worst thing.

The worst thing is keeping your heart closed.

Not allowing oneself to  feel  everything that god wants for us.


Nine years ago today,  I flipped a half ton pick up truck.

Everything moved in slow motion.

I heard,  In or Out?”


The voice was clear.

I could have chosen to leave. Thrilled I hadn’t.


There are times when I ‘judge’ myself as a slow learner.

Then, recognizing that I get what I get when I get it.


Reading what I had just written to Gary , then re-reading it to me. I’m feeling softer, breathing easier.

As if a huge burden has been lifted.


So, it’s not a    if ’.  .  .!!!


A huge burden has been lifted!


W. O. W.



“Everything is made of light; everything is alive. The Great Mystery of life has little to do with intelligence. The universe is not an intellectual process. The intellect is helpful; but our hearts are the wiser part of ourselves.”

-- Mellen-Thomas Benedict


 “If you open your heart, love opens your mind.”

-- Charles John Quarto

"God will not have his work made manifest by cowards." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

As Emerson teaches us, "Always, always, always, always, always do what you are afraid to do." He also advises, "Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain." I guess he felt pretty strongly about it. Here's a simple process to get out of coward-dom:

Step 1. Ask yourself: What would I do if I wasn't afraid?

Step 2. Just do it.

Step 3. Repeat.

"Fear is an instructor of great sagacity and the herald of revolutions. One thing he teaches, that there is rottenness where he appears." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

In Confusion

“It is while trying to get everything straight in my head that I get confused.”

-- Mary Virginia Micka



9 / Reed


“A fool is someone who ignores warning signs.”

Sandra Brown


When Ian and I were living in Salmon Arm,  I bought this little clock that runs on batteries.  It’s been with me for over four years.


In the past month,  I’ve dropped it more times then I remember.

When I dropped it, it would be in pieces..

Picking up the pieces, putting it back together, it continued to run.


I’ve been having thoughts about ‘Time’.  Been writing about it. Interesting that it continues to filter through my conscious thoughts.


So, the last time this little clock hit the floor. The pieces were all over the place.

Again I put it together,  it continues to run.


Holding it in my hands,  I hear;


“Move me away, don’t look at me when you wake in the morning.”


Today is day four that I haven’t looked at the ‘time’ when I woke.

I know it’s morning, the defused light is filtering through my window.

Not until I walk into the kitchen for my morning coffee do I know what time it is. 

There’s been a clock near my bed for as long as I can remember.


The first day felt strange.

Now, I don’t even think about ‘time’.


I’m blessed in that I don’t have any ‘have too’s’ . . .

No children to get up and off to school.

No job that is beckoning me to be somewhere on ‘time’.






Are we free people?

Are we really free?

Do we have total freedom of speech?


Martin Luther King Jr.


Malcolm X


John Kennedy

Bobby Kennedy

You know,  the list goes on.


Step on a crack, brake you momma’s back.

Who’s sayin what now?


Who’s speaking for the people?

We’ve changed faces and color, that’s all that got changed.


The puppet master is loosing it’s grip. The fear is permeating into their pours.

The stench seems to be seeping into cracks that hadn’t been sealed.



The past is clear, hind sight is 20/20.  Knowing that  ‘time’  hadn’t been introduced until  WW II. 

The phrase, 

“Time is Money”

Came to be when factories brought to their own consciousness that one ‘must’ be aware of  ‘their’  time. 

Punching a ‘time’ clock.


Eighty years ago, people didn’t wear watched,  clocks weren’t  in all homes.

The wealthy had pocket watches.

Sun dials were more common.


Seasons were followed,  when to plant.  When to harvest.


Phrases have taken over.

“I don’t have enough time.

Time is speeding up.

I’ll be there on time.

How much time do I have?”


The list goes on.

This time thing has gotten out of hand.


What to do?

What to do?


Lets create a new reality.

Lets create a world where we can ‘slow’ down.

Lets create our world where ‘life in the fast lane’  no longer exists.


Look at those moments when you felt such peace, such comfort.

Peace of mind.

Those times when you were ‘on vacation.’

Awe, to live that way everyday.


That would be a dream come true.

To wake when you were completely rested.

Eat when hunger struck you.


Planting wonderful food,  going out into the garden collecting what you wanted to put into a beautiful salad.


“We're so engaged in doing things to achieve purposes of outer value that we forget that the inner value, the rapture that is associated with being alive, is what it's all about.”

   Joseph Campbell


I’m hearing from so many people about them not being about to pay for there home. (mortgage, rent)

 What will we do?

That’s the number one question on the hit parade.

What will happen?

I can’t see the logic in throwing people out of their homes.

 Having the house sit empty.

The banks have more homes then they can deal with, yet, to allow the family to remain in the house,  oh no, we can’t have that.

That’s  insane thinking, lets see, allow the family to remain, or throw them out?  Humm. Decisions, decisions???.

This way of thinking MUST alter. 

This   me me me,  greed thing MUST stop..

This sweet home that Gary and I are living in. It had been empty for a year.

I love this place.  We don’t have the rent money.  It used to make me crazy, “oh my gawd, how are we going to pay the rent?  Where’s the funds going to come from?  Now, I don’t put my insane thoughts out there.  The funds will appear. It’s the how that’s a mystery. 


Your life is your garden, your thoughts are the seeds.  If your life isn't awesome, you've been watering the weeds.  -Terry Prince

What have you been watering?  What are you nurturing?  What does your garden look like?

“The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.” -- Oliver Wendell Holmes

So, are we going to continue to march to someone else’s drumming, or are we the creator, creating our own music?

"There is a mysterious cycle in human events. To some generations, much is given. Of other generations, much is expected. This Generation has a rendezvous with destiny."  Franklin Roosevelt – 1936


What is my destiny?  What is my personal destiny?

Humm.  Interesting question.

I will ponder this for a while.


Let me know what yours is.  We’ll  discover much by interacting in this inquiry.

We will rendezvous when the sun is right above us,

Under the walnut tree.




Ayn Rand


Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it’s yours

 (Atlas Shrugged, p.979).


1st April  ‘09

When you think thoughts, are they the truth or an illusion?

“Thought is a primitive superstition.  Reason is an irrational idea. 
The childish notion that we are able to think had been mankind’s costliest error.”
Ayn Rand

“That gray matter you’re so proud of is like a mirror in an amusement park which transmits to you knowing but distorted signals from a reality forever beyond your grasp.”
Ayn Rand

Has our thinking become so distorted that we’ve lost sight of what we came here for?
We’re seeing through the illusion, those who’s eyes are open, who’s hearts and souls recognize the ‘Golden Path’ of Love. 
We hold in our hands the final piece of the puzzle, creating a world where peace, harmony, joy, and
resides as the foundation we’ve been planting from the beginning of time.

Are we living in this mirage thinking that our thoughts  are absolute?

How many arguments have ensued because each one believed their thoughts or opinion was right, and the other was wrong.

Would you listen differently knowing that what ever the other person said was in fact ‘the truth’.  It is their truth.  Doesn’t mean you need to agree, or disagree.  Listening with an open mind, and heart. Not needing to argue.
What ever that person is saying, all that might be happening is, they want to stay connected.

These are trying times.  Everything seems to be testing us.
From eating more then we’re used to. Or eating less.
Sleeping more or less.

These experiences can lead one to a euphoric state, or insanity.



I see our new world where ‘Time’  is no longer a part of our reality.

So,  what would your life look like in the ‘no time zone?’

How I view life is this way;
“If I’m not living my truth, then I’m living a lie.” 

Are you living your life through your passion, or are you living a life that has you locked inside a space that tells you what you ‘must’ do, how you ‘must’ act,  how you  ‘must’  participate with others.
How you ‘must’ show up at a job.  ( j ust   o ver   b roke)  that’s what your job has created,  you being    just over broke.

Is this what you truly want?


Gary and I were sitting in front of the fire place, having random bits of words.
This is what came.

“we should have a radio station, people would get a kick out of listening to us.  We get a kick listening to us.

We’ll call our broadcast.
“I don’t have time to listen to your conversation”
then after our session is up.
Tune in next week for more,
 “I don’t have time to listen to your conversation.”
We laughed so hard.
We have a good time with one another.
Giving the other the space to breath.

I said to Gary,  sure wish others could hear my voice while I’m saying this.
Being it’s as if I were broadcasting all over the world with this stern voice.
Not harsh.
  Like a TV broadcaster.
No emotion.  NONE

I wrote another piece about EMOTION.

This is what I’ve been doing.  Writing.


I’m Serpent. / 6

Boy, how I’m feelin’ the energy climb through me.
It is so intense that I took my Galactic Transformer off..
I was showing it to a new ‘sister’  Carol.  Giving her the muscle test.
She said, “can I buy one.”
She has the one I’ve been wearing for the past 5 months, (I think that’s the ‘time’)

I’ve been so ampt with out it, the energy of the stone remains with me, being I’ve been wearing it for many moons.

Gary asked me how we could live without using time.

Here’s what I said:
This is an analogy ;

“we have a date for lunch at our favorite café  on  Wednesday.  Today is Monday.
  We’re going to meet at noon.”  He said ok, now what?
There was a little smirk on his face.

“In two more suns’  I will meet you at our favorite café when the sun is at it’s peek.” 

Think about it.  If we were born into a language that omitted some of the words we use today, look how amazingly altered our lives would be.

We have words that, (from my point of view) disempower the user.

I can’t

You  should

Multi tasking
 (this is a new one, check a dictionary that’s abut 10 yrs old, this word  didn’t exist)

here’s one that come to me, three moons in the past.

You’re cheating on me!

How is that?

Did you know that up until the early 1930’s, there was a freedom around sex.
Then the church stepped in and said, no, can’t have this, so the films that had been made back before the ratings from the church, not the same  ratings we have now.
Nudity hadn’t gotten the bad rapp it has now.
Nudity and sexuality is who we are.its out birth right.  We were born onto this beautiful Mother Earth, for us to nurture her, and Mother to nurture us.  Instead, look how far we’ve come.  Look how we’ve taken care of Mother!

She’s been very patient. Her patience has run thin. It’s not to late to recover from the amnesia state we put ourselves in.

 In the event it didn’t have the stigma it has now, I say, we would be in a calmer state of being.
It’s all the can’ts, and have to’s and forbiddens.
It’s all bs.
  Look at the animal world.
We think we’re smarter.


When I think about all that we belief, all the Dogma’s,
I look at how life could be, seeing my world with out all these restrictions.
The unquestioned belief that has been spoon fed to us from the beginning of time.

How do ‘they’ keep the sheep happy, find out what they want?  They want to feel safe,  they want to feel as though they are being cared for, taken care of in the most gentle way.

What I’m witnessing now is an awakening of souls to a clearing, a baptism.
There’s no one to follow.

There’s only one leader.  It’s you.
(or Mickey Mouse)

What I see creates this  (he cheated on me) is lack of clear communication.
What if?  BIG  WHAT IF!
We no longer believed all this  s—t we’ve been fed.

How can someone ‘cheat’ on you. 

As long as the two of you are open and honest with one another,
Knowing that when you are together, you’re truly there with and for one another.  And when you’re not with one another, what ever your heart desires, to have that desire fulfilled.
As long as no harm comes.
It’s the ‘secret’  that causes the disharmony.

All this must be out in the open before anything changes.
There must be agreement, other wise it won’t work


My feeling is, there are those who would rather fight to keep their belief system, then to look at an alternative way of being.

To me, it’s as if I lived in the same house, on the same block, drove the same car, had the same job, had the same mate for 50 years.

I would have to commit suicide. 
I’m an explorer. 
It’s the adventure that gives me juice, the adventure that I love so.
I used to say, ‘live outside  of the box.’
Now I know,
There’s never been a box.

That’s another reason I plan on being here for a couple hundred years.
There’s so much to see, so many others I hadn’t met yet.

Wow,  this is so thrilling.

It’s time to play full out.
Come join me.

Sign up for the ‘Play Full Out Team’.

Being a Team member,

Rule  1.  know who you are

2. smile at everyone who crosses your path.

    3     be the change you want to see in the world.

Then add your own, pass it along, see how many Team Players you can recruit.

See ya  at the  Play Full Out Team gathering.

For over five years I worked out at the gym, spending and hour and a half to two hours. Rowing on the machine for an hour, then free weights.  Five years later, I went from my ideal weight of 128lbs. to 153 lbs.  I hadn’t gotten on a scale for years,  yet it dawned on me that my jeans were a bit to tight.

While I was standing on the scale, I turned around thinking someone had their foot on the scale increasing my weight, to my astonishment, the only one standing there was  ‘me’,  yikes.  Stepping off the scale, what I heard me say, “no more white”. . .  I stopped eating white anything, potatoes, bread, pasta, rice. Anything that had white flour, it became my new way of life,  I made a game of it.  The pounds fell off. This was in Jan. ’99,  I was making my transition from living in Ojai California to Sedona.

So, from January, until June when my move was complete, I had dropped those pounds, back to my ideal weight of 128.  there are times now where I will eat French fries, or sour dough French bread, or cookies.  I don’t eat an entire bag of cookies, one or two, satisfying my sweet tooth.

Power walking each day, working in the yard. Keeping physically active assist me in keeping my body where I’m the most comfortable.

Before I stopped smoking, (this time) I had gotten much thinner,  my sisters were telling me I was to skinny.  Well, I’ve put weight back on,  my jeans fit perfectly, rather then hanging the way they had been.  (it was fun being that skinny)  for my health, I know how important it is to take care of ‘this’ vehicle.  This is my precious body, to abuse it, from my way of thinking is crazy.

So, why am I telling you all this?  I’m looking at ‘us’, as a whole of humanness, what have we done?
Years ago a friend would look at a person that was 400lbs and say, “there’s a family of four trying to get out of there.”  It’s not funny now. This epidemic has gotten out of hand.

Now more then ever, it’s imperative for each of us to take back our power.  What does that look like?

How do you feel?  That’s the first question to ask of yourself.  Do you feel centered, strong, energetic. Alert.  Happy.
Do you pass judgment on yourself?
When asked, ‘how are you?’  how do you answer?

When I’m asked that question, my response is, “Grand, I wake up in the morning, I take a conscious breath.  Doesn’t get any better than that.”  All the complaining is coming from an old program. Time to switch the channel.  Alter the way you’ve almost always have responded to your life.  Some people are never satisfied, no matter how much money they make, or how wonderful their life is, they rather find something to complain about then to look at all the wonders in their life. The joy and happiness they have, the family and friends that love one another, the roof over their head, food on the table.  Yet, they will find that little nat, that little thorn and create a mole hill out of it.  It’s wild, truly, when I look around, seeing how robotic most people are,  from pushing their cart around in the market, to living in a community where all the houses look the same.

So I ask,  are you living the life you love, the one you’re proud of, the one that brings such joy you want to shout it from the roof tops.

Oops, don’t step out of line, they’ll come with a straight jacket and take you away.  If you show too much emotion, for sure they will think you crazy and put you in a padded room.

I’ve been saying for years,  “we weren’t there to vote on the rules, so what there is for us to do is, follow the rules.”  Doesn’t mean you have to be a robot, or some duffis that doesn’t think for yourself.  Yet, while out in the world, it just makes sense to follow rules, the sign said, 25 mph.  you know if you drive at 50 mph your lookin for the guy with the red and blue lights to stop you.

I’ve been looking at how to support those who want to be supported around releasing those unwanted pounds.

For years I’ve watched, listened to people talk about how they go about ‘loosing’ weight.
They loose it, then put it back on.
What’s that all about?

When you honor yourself, truly honor your body, heart and soul you will do what ever it takes to alter old patterns.
Remember, our mind is our servant, not the other way around.

If you’re interested in shedding pounds contact me.
We’ll talk.




Wow,  sitting in front of the fireplace, meditating.

The vision showed itself.

I knew something huge had to appear. Not knowing what ‘it’  was to be,
  these thoughts  weren’t even in my consciousness.

Then it appeared.

Here it is;

Our phone had been turned off, we didn’t pay the bill.

It’s been off for about ten days,  as of today

1st April.

It’s still off.

I found out from Marla (a soul sister) that I could get my bills paid from certain church affiliates. 


I made phone calls. Made an appointment.

Phone bill, 125$

Gas bill, 237.$

Electric,  139$

And our rent is dew/due. 800$

I have my bank statement, drivers license, everything they asked me for.

I’m calm, while sitting, filing out the questionnaire  they gave me.

Their kitty comes over to me. Huge guy, white with big black splotches, right under
his nose is one black off center large dote.  So cute, I invite him to sit on my lap.

He did.  I was in heaven.  I cuddled this guy,  yumm.

Ok,  back.  Now I’m invited to come into a small office space.

The sweatiest young lady, (I remember when people would call me young lady)

Long story short of that.  They told me they couldn’t help because they have a cut
off on how much money shows up in my account.

Their cut of 2,320$ (something close to that)

What showed up in my account for the month was 2400$

 Walking  out of the office, I didn’t feel anything, numb, nothing else had appeared.

It wasn’t  until the next morning that the impact of what occurred hit me.

If  all those numbers had been all for me, I would have been in great shape.

Look at the numbers, they work.

I had to purchase the stones that I was selling.

That was over 800$

Then there’s food,  you’ve noticed the cost of food.  I buy organic.  I’m a vegetarian.

Have been for more then  25 yrs.

I rest my case, 

I go back to the office the next day, someone different is at the greeting desk.

I tell her what happened yesterday, and if that 2400$ had all been mine
I wouldn’t have come here,  I would be in great shape.

Telling her what’s occurring.  And that Gary doesn’t have an account so
everything comes into mine.  The picture changed.

The gas was to be turned off on the 26th,  but for some unforeseen (hahaha)
reason it stayed on.  Then Mary, (my new best friend)  faxed the gas company and
they agreed to keep the gas on until Wednesday. (this is Wed. as I’m writing this)

I had a new appointment set for Tuesday, (yesterday) Mary (my new best friend)
was there,  again I waiting in the waiting room, it is 8 am .  Yup, here he is, the kitty.
I call him over, he jumps on my lap.  He’s so present, if you asked him what time it is,
he would smile, lick you, push himself into you, stretch out, curl up and take a nap.

Michelle calls me, I say, “can kitty. come with us?”
  Michelle picks up kitty and takes him into her office,  kitty jumps into my lap.

This is good.

One hour, ten minutes later, she tells me,  the gas is taken care of, the  electric is taken care of,
  there’s extra, where  do you want it?  Towards next months electric bill.

(no, they wouldn’t  give me the money for food, I asked. And they wouldn’t pay the phone bill.???
don’t know why. Didn’t ask)

She gives my a number to call on Friday, make sure that I call at 8;30, the phones are
turned on at precisely  8:30, they won’t get turned on one second before 8;30.

So cute. They gave me all these instructions.

It was very serious. (sure wish you could hear the giggle in my voice, in my head)

I told her, I would make sure that I call not one minute before 8;30 to get on a queue to
make an appointment for them to pay my rent.

Man,  if I had to read this on a game board, I wouldn’t play.

That’s way too much effort.

Yet,  I’ve signed up for this gig, I’m playin full out.

 What else is there.>


What a waist of time.

By the time you finished complaining, the task could have been complete.

Being this is still Wednesday,  I’ll  fill you in after the call, or after the appointment.

I hugged Michelle before I left,  feeling hot tears flowing freely.

Mary  was talking with a women whom I hadn’t seen before. Bending down to
put my cheek on Marys, thanking her.  We felt one  another’s love,  it was beautiful.

I’m humbled by this experience.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
  To have had this exchange with others, to feel their  ‘soul’,  as  I know they felt mine.

I am so blessed, so very blessed.

I was reading old emails from Ian.

Its wild how deep our love took us. To test love, is this what we are as humans,
do we test love?

Seems as though we do.

I’ve heard women say,  “I’m so mean to him, but he won’t go away.” 

He really must love you, or hate himself.

It was close to Ian leaving when we got, (to the core of our being) how much we loved one another.

I’ve shared in the past about communication with a sister in Hawaii ,

I’ve got every one of our communications.


I was reading them from the first communication, this was Dec. 05.  right after Ian passed,  she was who Ian connected with so we could keep in contact.   Like in the move  ‘Ghost’  Whoopie Goldburg.

Really   trippy. 


If you don’t use ‘em’,   you’ll loose ‘em’. . .


Friday came, I hit the redial for 40 min.

Never got through.

Haven’t paid the rent.

I’m workin on it.

Now I’m holdin up in bed,

Falling off a ladder, 5ft up.

Does it ever stop?


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