This
is a Test Matty's Journal August 2004
matty@mayanmajix.com
Hello again, it’s been a
while, I’m thrilled to have heard from so many who’ve been following
our journey… talk about a TEST, BIG WOW… I wouldn’t trade my life for
anything, or all the money in the world… this is, and continues to be
the most exciting time of my life…. So, here goes…
2nd August 2004
Leaving Salmon Arm on total
trust. I say this because (not that I appreciate labels) I’m a total
doofus when I’m outside of a territory that I’m familiar with… well,
guess what, I’m not familiar with Canada, not for a minute… trust me,
I can find ways to loose myself, so this was bigger than big, me, driving
more then 2000 miles… I truly threw trust to the gods… I knew I would
get there, it was how I was going to get ‘there’…
I made it across the border
in three hours, yeah, piece of cake, about an hour later I took a turn
that wasn’t on my direction sheet, don’t ask… I don’t have an answer
for that question…
So, I’m asking myself, “where
am I, and how do I get myself to where I’m suppose to be?” this entire
journey is about choosing…. “you want me to choose this? F__k you…
then I get to choose that… right!
I took another left turn,
this doesn’t look good, there’s no other cars anywhere… oh shit, the
pressure gage is running to close to ‘RED LINE’, over heating, curve
road, coming around a curve a lonely car is parked, the man is getting
out of his car with his dog as I pull in right behind him… I pop the
hood, listen to the hissing noise, I step out of the jeep, he turns,
“what’s up, need help?” cars over heating… “Don’t have any water.”
I do. He vanishes with his dog down the embankment, I keep Spirit in
the car, all the windows are open, its not cooler outside the car then
in…
He reappears, putting his
dog back into his car, he walks over, yup, she’s hot alright, to hot
to open her up, “where yagoin?” I’m going to Arizona… “howga get on this road?” really, I don’t know…
He’s got clear brown eyes,
I know he was put here just for me, truly he’s that gift that I could
have over looked… he’s missing his front teeth, both top and bottom,
his smile was inviting, sincere and concerned…
While we were waiting for
her to cool down so we could put water in her, I told him how stupid
I felt about not knowing where I was going, and making myself crazy,
he looked at me with passion, I felt his love energy…
Looking back at his sparkling
eyes, he said, “you’re not stupid, not knowing where you are in a strange
are, no, not stupid, you wanna know stupid, last week I flipped my convertible
down that embankment (he pointed where he flipped his car) I came back
to see if I could find any more pieces to my car.” he smiled when he
said he found more pieces… “now, that’s stupid.” We laughed, I felt
better, he stayed with me until the car cooled enough for me to take
her down the fill, he told me his name is Ken, we shook hands, we were
on our separate ways…
As I was headed back down
the hill, going to take her to a service station, I started screaming,
I’m not choosing this, over and over, screaming I’m not choosing this,
until the absurdity showed itself, then being able to choose not choosing
this, insane, what could I choose in that moment, a new Rolls Royce?
What a hoot… it just sounds crazy to want to choose my car over heating,
and getting lost…
I pulled into a service station,
the guy checked everything, said he didn’t see anything that needs to
be fixed, for what ever reason, she just lost her water, and over heated,
will she did it again, he shrugged his shoulders, “don’t know, don’t
know what to tell you.” He gave me directions to get out of town, I
was close to Idaho, I decided to call Ian, I needed to talk to him,
even though I have Spirit with me, and I talk to him, he doesn’t answer,
not out loud anyway…
It’s around 4
p.m. I get Ian on
the phone, I tell him about the car over heating, and getting lost,
how I was screaming that I wasn’t choosing this, he laughed so loud,
that was great… the sky was turning grayer, “wow, Ian, the clouds came
in fast, looks like rain, that would be nice, being it’s around 83o..
then I look over to my right and say, oh my god, its totally brown to
my right, not fire, no smell, by the time I finished saying that, the
winds kicked in, I was describing the winds to Ian, he said, “You might
want to pull over if they get to strong.” Yes, I’m watching the traffic,
everyone has slowed down, it’s gotten dark, yet they’re moving, so I’ll
keep up with the rest of the traffic, this is wild, the only time I’ve
ever seen this is in a movie… driving through a dust storm, don’t know
what it would do to my engine, I’ll see, Ian wasn’t’ concerned about
that, so I wasn’t going to put any attention on it either… this is so
trippy, I heard the concern in Ian’s voice, I felt calm having him on
the phone, then the dust and wind got stronger, I said, “I’m going to
say good-bye so I can put all of my attention on the road.” Good Idea.”
I love you Ian, I love you, drive safe…
The wind took out all the
power, the street lights were gone, traffic lights were down, no one
seemed to panic, I got back onto the highway, the winds continued for
about 15 more min. the car was covered with dust, then the rain came,
huge drops, dust turned to mud, then more rain, larger drops, faster,
stronger, thunder, lightening bolts, powerful, five finger lightening
bolts horizontal across the sky… seeing that by having the car over
heat, getting lost, finding this path, choosing it all, brought me to
this, to see the magic that god has created just for me… I am grateful…
truly…
The rain came stronger, washing
the dust off the car, I didn’t close the windows, the air was warm,
the rain felt refreshing… Spirit stopped panting, we’re happy… this
is stupendous … spectacular… the rain continued for about an hour,
the father I drove south, the bluer the sky appeared…
9:30 p.m. I pulled into a rest stop. Done for the
day…
Spirit and I got out, walked
around for a while, stretching out legs, he found his tree, I found
a toilet… tired, so tired… this was a day of days… more to come, but
not tonight…
Ok Spirit, we’re going to
share the space in the jeep, I know you’ve been enjoying it all to yourself,
now you have to share it with me… he was ok with that, yet, this is
his turf, and his terms… it’s not like a small little dog that can be
picked up and moved, he makes up the rules…
I’m so emotionally whipped
out I could have slept on a bed of nails…
3rd. August
Morning came to quickly,
Spirit and I took a walk about the rest area, [really fun place] the
area was non-descript for the hours seemed to have vanished without
a clue. I was the only car, there were many trucks, the sounds from
them are a continues hum, I needed to escape… wanting this part of my
journey to come to a completion… thinking I would arrive in Sedona around
3 or 4, my spirit was high as Spirit and I got into the jeep, she turned
over, engine purring… turning onto the freeway, we’re off, first stop…
coffee…
My directions were, get to
the 15, then the 6 to 89, easy…
It’s about 2
p.m. we’ve stopped
a few times, I needed to stretch my legs, and I wanted Spirit to be
able to stretch his…
Yeah… there’s 89, rollen
down the 89, it’s a beautiful country road, seems strange, well, I’ll
pull over and ask… sign up ahead… “reduce speed.” Ok, cruzin from 65
to 35, a small quiet town, there’s a service station, I pull in, I’m
bare foot, white loose pants that don’t stay up, an orange tight work
out top, I can’t imagine what I look like, I haven’t showered since
I left yesterday morning, and sleeping in my car, driving since 6:10
this morning, oh well, I don’t care…
“Hey there.” He looks at
me, scanning my entire body, big smile covering his face… “So, if I
continue on this road, will I get to Flagstaff Arizona?” after he stopped laughing he said, “Sure,
keep on this road, you’ll get to Flagstaff in 6, 7 hours” my hands flew to cover my
face…
I turned, walked back to
the car, I told Spirit, we were farther then I thought, so keep doin
what you’re doin, chill…
I called Gene, whom I had
called earlier telling him I would be there before dinner, he said,
great, we’ll have lots to talk about, and have dinner… so, now I call
to tell him, I won’t be there until tomorrow… there’s no way I would/could/
or have a desire to drive the rest of the way today… forgetaboutit…
Driving down the road, I
said, “Ok God, this is what you want me to choose, so be it.”
This little town is three
blocks long… quaint, the farms are some of the richest farm land I’ve
ever seen… every shade of green that had ever been created I got to
see… the grass, trees, shrubs… I felt as though the land were smiling
at me, welcoming me, happy to see me, the vista’s continued to get more
spectacular…
About 2 hours later feeling
this stinging in my eyes, I knew I needed to stop… I was in a canyon…
the forest engulfed me, feeding my soul… the river flowing on my left,
the forest grew tall to the right, a resort appeared, a beautiful lodge,
“The Rock Candy Lodge.” Oh my god, in the middle of what seemed to be
no where, this lodge appears…
I need to find a place to
stop, I keep pushing, it’s been 10 hours since I started out this morning…
I will be in L.A. for my daughters B-Day on the 6th…
just a little farther, there’s a rest stop sign… yeah…
This is unique, most of the
rest stops are large, off the freeways, this one is nestled in the forest…
I pull in, there’s two 18 wheelers, opening the rear so Spirit can get
out, we start walking up the stairs to where the toilets are… the two
men are walking down toward their trucks…
“Big dog, you could put a
saddle on him.” I smile, say, yup, sure could… man, if I got a dime
for each time I’ve heard that statement, I’d be rich…
we walked around for about
15 minutes, knowing I had to close my eyes…
Spirit jumped back into the
car… I got in, got settled, it was quiet, I was close to dozing off
when ‘that’ voice said, DRIVE… GET UP AND DRIVE…
Oh my god, give me a break….
DRIVE… I climbed over the seat, buckled my seat belt, ok, we’re driving…
the sun is close to setting, there’s a sign up ahead, ZION
National Park… sun set over Zion, wow, bigger then wow,
the intense Reds, Oranges, the colours were dancing… in between the
red sky was a blue black hew, I can’t breath, the road is taking me,
directing my every move… “Ok, Ok, thank you, I’m not arguing, I’m listening,
you told me to drive, drive I’m doing.
It’s been pitch black for
a couple of hours, I’ve been on 89A, now I know for sure that Flagstaff is within reach… aah, a sign, Flagstaff 194 miles… not tonight…
it must be around 9:30, f__kin crazy women… 14 hour drive…
There’s a large turn out,
a truck is parked there, I pulled in behind him… lights out, getting
in the back with Spirit, putting my pillow behind my head, breathing
a sigh of relief, knowing that I’ll be in Sedona by first light…
‘LOOK OUTSIDE… LOOK OUTSIDE,
LOOK UP… Oh god, leave me alone… LOOK UP… I opened the car door, sticking
my head out… it was so black I couldn’t see my hand in front of me…
every star, every planet, the galaxy was present for me… Jesus… wow,
you sure know how to treat me, thank you for the most magical gifts…
from that little town where the castle was sitting on the knoll, the
magnificent homes build from old brick, lawns, right out of a Rockwell
Painting… those homes must be 70 years old, or more, huge front porches,
each on huge pieces of land, amazing, truly amazing…
Sleep…. 4th August
It was a little before 6…
the truck was gone… about a half mile down the road there was a service
station, coffee… bathroom, wash face, brush teeth… aah, those little
things in life that trigger happiness…
I pull into Gene’s around
8:30, he’s sitting outside with friend, having coffee, we chat for a
few moments, he needs to go to work, saying we’ll catch up later… shower,
that’s the only thing I can think of at the moment… clean clothes… Gene
leaves, the house is quiet, Spirit is hanging out, I don’t close the
door to the house, his house sits on top of hill, and in Sedona, not
to many people lock their doors, its one of the reasons we’re here,
to feel comfortable in our own homes… doors locked, NOT…
The paper work needs to be
done… that’s the priority… what ever it takes… I call Gary,
we make plans to meet at noon, Patricia will meet us… I feel like my brain
is asleep, to think or not to think, that might have been a good question,
yet with how I’m feeling, there’s no mind, no brain, no, no-thing….
There are a few no-brainer
things I will handle, the storage unit in the village, the post office
key that got lost… getting the mail address changed…
Then going over the Anne
and Don’s, sharing my stories, it’s still early, a couple of hours before
meeting Gary… while we were sitting and sharing stories,
Anne said, “You look tired, why don’t you lie down until you have to
go meet Gary.” I’m so out of it, it didn’t occur to me to sleep for
a while… getting cozy on the couch, sleep came quickly, I dreamt I
was dreaming about falling asleep… it was weird… Anne had asked what
time she should wake me, I said, 11:45…
I opened my eyes, it was 11:47… they asked if I wanted something to eat…
no, not now, not hungry…
We hugged, I was off to Gary’s… I felt as though I were floating, not
grounded at all… I called Vismaya… [a dear, wonderful friend.] to see
if she were available to meet later… we made plans to meet at Gene’s
at 5…
Patricia came, she’s sent
her paper work in, so there’s some completion around these, Gary
is working on his, and being the angel he is, mine is going in front
of his… Ian had started it before I left, yet when Gary and Patricia
looked at it, there were so many holes, it needed to be completely redone…
this paper is for all the marbles… they have to be perfect… this is
about my house, and the money…
I wasn’t good for anything,
they took over, I left a few minutes before 5, Vissy met me, she said,
I should stay at her place, being at Genes there will be to much commotion…
great, I followed her over, get settled, she was going to work, so she
wouldn’t be home until the morning, I would have her bed for the night…
what a treat…
Gary needed to finish up some work on the job
he was doing, so we made plans to meet up again at 8… checking in with
me, knowing that every part of my body had been disconnected from anything
that is real… grounded? What’s that? I hung out with Patricia and Gary
for a little while, they told me to leave, they would take care of it…
I’m grateful… getting back to Vissy’s, the house was quiet, Spirit and
I went straight to sleep…
5th August…
I called Gloria… she had
been receiving all the correspondence from all you beautiful people
who’s been sending love, prayers, support… she saved all the letters,
as I requested, knowing that I wanted to thank each one, that to know
who you are, to feel the love through your words, to embrace those prayers
on a deeper level, to breath you…
She had everything neatly
stacked ready for me, I wanted to take each one, sit with you, read
your words that you wrote, send my love back… you have no idea how your
support propelled us… gave us the strength to continue our journey…
huge… my thank you doesn’t cut it… but, thank you…
The papers got complete,
Gary told me that what we created before he got his hands on it, everything
had to be changed, good that he knew what he was looking for, and Patricia,
my angel that lives life with grace and ease… what a blessing…
I didn’t know if I would
leave today and drive the 500 miles to L.A. friends
were saying I should chill, I agree, and when I’m called to move, I
do… there’s no talking back… I continue to witness this with every turn…
The papers got put into the
mail, this was call for celebration…
I started feeling calm, even
though the day felt racy… I spoke with Kathleen a couple of times, looking
to see when we could find that precious moment to see one another… [Kath
and I met in ’89… we lived with one another for about 6 months in Venice] so we have beautiful history… lots of admiration and love…
It was around 3 when I got
‘the voice’ telling me to ‘DRIVE’… I called Kath asking if she were
going to be home, that I wanted to come by for a hug on my way to L.A.
she’s there, I drove over, Adrian was in the drive way when I pulled
up, he was getting something from his car, he turned toward me as I
pulled the car to a stop, when I got out, walked toward him I was feeling
my emotions well up to the point were tears were going to flow no matter
what I did… he took me in his arms, I let it all go, I don’t even know
why they came, just that they did was wonderful, a great release of
emotions bottled up… I really love to cry… I feel so cleansed after
ward…
Kath was in the house, Spirit,
Adrian and me walked in, her Pop eons [dogs] were
happy to see us… they’re really cute… and lovable… and Boo, her cat
that looks like my cat, the one that had been with me for more then
16 years… when Spirit first came to live with me I had my Steelie Boy…
my heart broke when I had to put him down… that’s another story…
I asked Kath if she had a
skirt, she had a bunch of stuff she gave me, new clothes, yeah… anyway,
we hung out for about an hour, I got back in the car, we hugged for
the umpteenth time, off I went… it was still hot out, so driving through
the desert in the evening was smart…
I had all the windows open
in the car, the warm breeze was a little to warm, I forgot to get a
pray bottle, which was on my list, and forgotten… even my drinking water
was hot… got through the border in record time, no one is there, there
hadn’t been anyone posted at the border in years, Bush has done a great
job taking jobs away, good goin Bush baby…
I looked at my gas gage,
more then a half a tank, doin great, the temperature gage, not so great,
I start talking to the car, telling her to cool down, that over heating
in the middle of the desert, no, lets keep going, keep cool, ok? She
wasn’t listening… she was having her own thoughts about what she wanted
and didn’t want… I was about and hour and a half from Palm
Springs… she’s red
lining it… I’m not waiting until she starts steaming… ok, Spirit, we’re
pulling over, I know we’re in the middle of the desert, for what ever
reason this is where she wants us to stop… this time, I don’t freak
out, maybe because I’ve driven this road so many times I know it like
the back of my hand…
I take a deep breath, get
Spirit out on the leash… stand facing the on coming traffic, and speak…
“someone stop, someone stop, someone stop now.”
Within two minutes, a truck
pulls over in front of me… giving my gratitude to the universe…
It’s a huge 18 wheeler, the
cab door opens, he’s walking toward me, my heart beat quickens… “what’s
the problem?” his French accent, soft blue eyes, broad smile with a
blondish coloured mustache, I had to remind myself to breath… “she over
heated.” As he’s walking toward the drivers side of the care, he turns
towards me, “It’s ok I look?” {its ok you look, it’s ok you do almost
anything.} sure, please look… the hood is up, its clear its to hot to
touch, he tells me he’s going for his gloves…
{oh my stars, I’m getting
good at this, calling in someone to assist, and having him be a hansom
man from Quebec… } while he’s getting his gloves, I’m talking
to Spirit… what do I do with him? [watch it unfold… ok?]
The radiator cap was way
to hot, even with his gloves, so we waited… that when he told me he
had started out in Quebec with his truck loaded, dropped off his load
in Arizona, then he was picking up another load in San Diago, then back
to Quebec… now, that’s a lot of driving… he shares the drive with his
uncle who was in the cab, I haven’t met him, not yet anyway…
He didn’t feel comfortable
where we were, being on the side of the road, the trucks speed by, he
asked how far the next rest stop was, I said about 30 miles, he wanted
to go there, he said he would follow me to the rest stop and fix my
car… OK… no argument from me…
Going to the back of the
jeep, I tell Spirit. Hop in we’re goin to the rest stop…
By this time the sun had
set… we waited for her to cool, his uncle came over, we shook hands,
bowed our heads, he doesn’t speak English, and guess what, I don’t speak
a word of French… so our smiles were enough to have the space feel good…
She cooled down about an
hour later, putting huge amounts of water in her, while the hood was
up, he check the oil, the dip stick showed I was really low… why I hadn’t
thought about checking the oil, I don’t know, I just didn’t, he had
oil in his truck,… “well, she is good now, you not driving tonight?”
“No, I’m not driving anyone tonight, to tired.” What is your name?
Sylvan…
“Thank you Sylvan, thank
you so very much, I want you to know that you’re my angel…” he cocked
his head, “Angel?” “yes, you stopped to help me, that makes you my
angel.” “this is good, no?” “yes, this is good.” I walked into his
arms, held him tight, he held me tight, saying, “OHHHH, I haven’t held
a women in such a long time,” I didn’t let him go, I could feel the
desire just to hold one another… standing under the lamp post at the
rest stop, hugging this man that I will never see again… knowing that
I was sending and receiving love… that this is what its all about… this
is why I was told to ‘DRIVE’… was for us to meet, to be able to take
that energy with us, that no-thing could ever take it away… to share
this with another… the beauty of choosing every moment… wow… the gifts
are clearly marked, aren’t they? Yes, for sure they are…
We stayed with one another
until after 11… he said, I must go…. “walk with me to the truck.” We
walked holding hands, he said, “I must say, you are beautiful women.”
Thank you, and you are a beautiful man… thank you for everything… no,
no thank you… I turned, I didn’t look back…
Spirit was waiting for me,
it was so hot, I soaked a cloth to cool him down, there wasn’t a breeze
in the air… we tried to sleep, didn’t work well, it must have been around
2 a.m.
I said, “the only way we’re going to get any relief is to drive…” I’m
beat, yet, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep, and my sweet Spirit was
panting so he couldn’t even drink any water.
I drove another 50 miles,
my eyes wouldn’t stay open, pulling into the next rest stop, we tried
again to sleep… I did this twice more, then by 6:30
I found my coffee spot, knowing I would be at daughter Jo-e’s to spend
the day with her on her birthday…
It’s about 8, the phone rings,
it’s Jo-e, I sing her, her birthday song. It’s the one from Sheriff
John, “Put another candle on your birthday cake, comeon lets bake, a
birthday cake, put another candle on your birthday cake, your another
year old today, happy birthday to you, your another year old today…”
it’s much sweeter then the song everyone sings… it’s depressing… it’s
not up beat at all… so this one that I love to sing is very up beat…
sorry I don’t have the melody for you…
She giggled… wanting to know
where I was, and how much farther out I am… I said I would be there
in about an hour or so, she’s excited… so am I, I haven’t seen them
since November… thanksgiving and my birthday…
Three of the four children
are very close… my second child, lives in Santa Barbara with four of my grandchildren, I haven’t
seen them in forever it seems… funny how things are, I drive 2200 miles,
he can’t come down to visit, it’s not personal, what ever… really… I
gave him his life, he doesn’t owe me anything… none of them do… I don’t
expect anything, and that way I’m not disappointed… we all have our
own lives, honor one another’s choices, and go from there….
The three other grandchildren
and three children were at Jo-e’s, my daughter-in-love was there, Jo-e’s
partner Krista, and friends… Jo-e wasn’t feeling great, so the plans
we had were changed to staying home, bringing in food, sitting around
telling stories… doesn’t get any better then that… being with the family,
wow…
I’m staying at Kelly’s, she
moved about a month ago, she’s living with Nina, I hadn’t met her until
now… what a great addition to our family… there’s wonderful room mates…
easy flow… as it should be…
7th August Saturday
8th Sunday
the entire week end flowed
from one moment to the next, it was so peaceful, calming, after all
that driving, to just sit, read, sleep, watch a movie… Nina brought
“50 first dates”… ok, I hadn’t seen it in the theater because I thought
it was going to be stupid… it was wonderful…
9th August
I finally feel centered…
I was driving down Pico, not thinking about anything that I was aware
of… then out of no where what occurred was this oneness with everything,
the car, the road, trees, all of it… I felt relaxed… in the past when
I’ve been in LA, what I want is to get out… the energy is so intense,
not now… it’s all this choosing… being with the choice, choosing each
moment… what a concept…
We’re gathering again for
a Monday night pot luck dinner… this is what Kelly wanted, to have a
place where the family would gather…and having
Da Momma here… makes for
a sure thing…
Ian called, we’ve been speaking
almost every day… even with our relationship being altered, there’s
a connection, we have history, and we love one another, our communication
is clear, we know that’s why we’re able to carry on the way we are,
and continue to support one another with what ever it is that’s needed…
I love how great we’re doing, so does Ian, we’ve never experienced this,
not ever… looking at past relationships, yes, they’re in my life, some
are, some not… what’s so different is this desire to have our lives
work, to walk our talk, to be the example for others… we know we’re
doin a bang up job… we feel it, and able to express that to our selves
and to each other….
The next few days rolled
into one another, today is the 13th Friday…
Reece, my 10 year old grandson
and I got to have yesterday together, from around 11
a.m. until 7… what
a wise soul he is… so present…we talked almost all day… he asked me
if I’ve ever thought about stuff that other people hadn’t thought of…
like what… he said, “like a blade of grass, there are some grasses that
when you rub your finger up one side it’s smooth, when you rub your
finger down the other side it could cut you.” Well, there you are,
no, I hadn’t thought about a blade of grass like that at all, when I
was young, we would pull a blade of grass and suck the end of it, I
would chew on it… I know I rubbed my fingers on it, yet it’s been years
since I’ve thought about a blade of grass…
We’ve been walking a lot,
being there hasn’t been a place for me to let Spirit run, we’ve been
taking many walks during the day, it’s good for all of us…
I’ve had many conversations
about selling the jeep, getting a van, I’m committed, I’ve got a two
carrot diamond that was given to me by my mom, I’m looking to sell it
so that I can have a van to drive back to BC… driving the jeep, no,
don’t think so, don’t trust her any longer, this over heating thing,
don’t want to deal with that… and having a van, Spirit and I would have
more room to sleep… and I want to pick up my computer that in storage…
so it would be a multi task vehicle…
I’ve put the word out, I’m
doing it louder now…. I need to get back to Sedona, I need to get the
rest of this paper work filed… this is for all the marbles…
I just don’t feel confident
driving the jeep 500 miles with out her over heating… so if anyone out
there has a road worthy van… HELP…. I know that all is as it should
be, that the divine guidance from my angels are always there… no thing
to fret about…
I’ll fill in more as time
shows me the way…
Thank you so very much for
your prayers, and continued support… I pray you can imagine how we feel
knowing your there with us, encouraging us, and most of all praying
with us…
Choose it…. All of it…. All
the time…. No matter what…. It’s all choice….
Blessings beloveds…. In Lek
ech
Matty
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
16th
Aug…
I don’t
know where I left off, so, here goes…
Monday,
three of my children are coming over to Kelly’s for family dinner,
I’ve gotten to be/see them in the ten days since I arrived… I’ll be
leaving tomorrow, driving my van back to Sedona…
It’s
been fantastic, and for the past couple of days I’d been feeling as
though I’ve over stayed my welcome… when I said that to Kelly, she
said, “that’s not the experience I’m having.” “well then, it’s just
me, and I’m grateful that’s so.”
I read
this somewhere: “It is in man’s study of himself, wherein all other
studies find their origin.”
Being
with my family, there’s nothing that compares, the love that fills
us, the love we share, the conversations, supporting one another with
all choices… how blessed we all feel… there’s an ease and grace that
comes into place when we’re together…
Insert:
a couple of nights ago I had a dream, many years ago I had a man in
my life [ I wont use his real name.] While being with Mark I found
my sense of humor… something I had lost while being married… being
that dreams are metaphors, I knew what was missing in my life at this
moment… laughter… I was missing laughter… that evening, Nina [Kelly’s
room mate] had her parents over, they were taking their daughter for
dinner… before they left, they sat for a while, having a glass of
wine, some cheese and crackers… Nina’s mom is English, her sense of
humor, her story telling had me be doubled over with laughter… that
was Sunday night… I thanked them and Nina for the gift of laughter…
then on Monday, daughter Jo-e was telling stories, again, not only
me, the room was filled with laughter… aah, the healer of all, laughter…
Spirit
so loves being with the family, he truly knows the difference, Reece
is one of his favorites… Kelly has a over sized chair, Reece was sitting
in this chair, Spirit wanted to sit with him, so he found a spot where
he could plop himself on top of Reece, Kelly got a photo of them,
I’ll check with her, see if I can scan it to show you…
Well,
the children left, they cleaned up the kitchen as best they could
being the sink decided to back up… what a pain, they’ve only been
in this apartment for a month, and it’s an old building, one of those
wonderful ones with big rooms… any way, they insisted I not help clean
up, “just sit with your grandkids mom, enjoy them, we’ll clean up.”
“thank you, I will.”
I keep
asking, “what am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to land? Where
am I supposed to have a home base, if at all?” I’m not getting any
answers, none… so I’m just choosing not knowing, choosing where there
is right in front of me… I know there’s nothing else for me to be
doing…
Well,
almost everything is in the car for my early departure tomorrow morning,
giving everyone huge hugs, not knowing the next time we will be seeing
one another… like I said, I don’t know ‘nothing’.
I had
a hard time finding comfort, knowing I had an 8 hour drive in front
of me in the morning, yet I had a new [new for me] van with air, and
cruse control, BIG WOW…
17th
Aug…
6 a.m.
on the nose, got Spirit in, he’s settled into the middle seat of the
van, his blankie makes his seat comfy for him…
the phone
rings, it’s about 7, it’s Vissy, she tells me that she hadn’t asked
her room mate about me staying there, and it won’t work out, she was
so upset, I told her that it was so ok, that she wasn’t to worry,
that something will show up, all is well, truly, and it’s not personal…
“I love you Vissy, have a great trip, I’ll pick you up when you come
back into town on Saturday, just call when the bus drops you off.”
“Wow,
ok, now what?” I find myself taking deep breaths, knowing that there’s
something grander that will show up, something that I can’t see at
the moment… It’s to early to call Anne, I’ll call her around 10 when
I know she awakes… I call Glo, she doesn’t have room for me and Spirit…
I hadn’t thought about calling Nancy, not right then anyway… I turned
the radio on, sing along stuff…
I’ve
stopped many times, the coffee was great, went right though me, and
Mr. Spirit needed to take his morning ‘sit down’… so we hit all the
rest stops along the way…
What
a pleasure to drive this van, knowing I don’t have to watch the gages,
feeling secure for the first time in over 3000 miles of driving…
10 a.m.
Anne picks up the phone, still a little sleepy… “Hi sweet heart, where
are you?” “I’ve just crossed the border, I’m in Arizona.” “wow,
you’ve made good time.” I tell her what’s up, that I need a place
to stay, she tells me, she’ll call me back in a few, that she needs
to put her thinking cap on.
Ten minutes
later she tells me about her friend Sandi, for me to call her, go
meet her, she’s willing to have Spirit in her home…
There’s
a favorite stop on my way in or out of Sedona, it’s called Anthem,
the service station has great coffee, and clean toilets… I wait until
I get there, knowing I want to chill for a few moments, let Mr. Spirit
out to stretch his legs, call Sandi, get directions to her home, from
Anthem it’s less then 2 hrs. to Sedona…
Sandi
gives me directions, we pull up in front of her home, I tell Spirit
not to just walk in, to wait until he’s invited… he looks up at me,
I knew he was acknowledging what I said… when Sandi opened the door,
he stood there, and when she said, come in, that’s when he did…
We’re
invited to stay, the home she’s in sits on top of a knoll, the view
of the ‘Red Rocks’ are spectacular, Spirit and I have a room of our
own, a bathroom, and the use of her kitchen… she’s about my age, almost
the same body type, easy going… Mr. Spirit falls for her right away,
and she in return for him…
I brought
my ‘stuff’ in, my two bags, pillows, blanket, Spirits food… I left
his bowls at Kelly’s, I remembered about 30 min, after I left… oh
well.
I’ve
been lax about writing… there’s so much going on, getting all the
paper work complete, thank god for Gary and Patricia, there are the
angels that are in my life for all the good reasons… for supporting
one another, for loving one another, for having everything that we’ve
dreamt of, everything that we know about that is the good for all
of us, that what we’re here to do is support the light workers create
the village and have ‘the family’ live, support, nurture, honor, and
love one another… what else is there?
21st
August… Saturday
what
a great day, filled with laughter ~ wonderful laughter… Sandi and
I watched “Never Again”, a movie with Jill
clayburn…
we were rolling on the floor…
when
the movie was over, we were saying good night, hugging one another,
she had a glass of water in her hand, when she bent over to say good
night to Spirit, he took advantage of the water which he assumed was
being offered to him, he drank the water from her glass, that started
the laughter all over again… which Spirit was lapping the water, she
was moving the glass, her arms was being twisted, she said to Spirit,
“Stand still I’m not an extortionist.” We knew what she was really
saying, just twisting the words, we’ve all done that… more laughter…
what a hoot…
22nd
August… Sunday…
Since
I’ve been staying with Sandi, most mornings the 3 of us take our walk,
I feel so welcomed and wanted by her… We sit outside with out coffee,
chatting about, who the hell knows what… sharing our lives… telling
one another what we’ve done, what our children do, what they do, what
we like and dislike… we’re so similar, it’s a wonderful feeling to
meet someone new, yet there’s such a familiarity, It makes life simple,
at least that’s how I view it.
Did I
tell you Sandi’s home burned, there was an explosion, then fire, so
the house the house she’s living in, that I’m living in, she’s renting
until her home is re-built… that’s about 9 months from now…
Sandi
has a vision for how her home is going to be re-built, what she describes
sounds like my home, {the one I’m not living in at the moment} I told
her I wanted to take her to see my house, wanting her to see how the
walls are textured, she wants to do that on her walls…
There
are so many mixed emotions, most days I’m fine with everything, being
I’m choosing it all, and when those days come where I’m out of sorts
and I’m choosing that, yet, the ‘out of sort’ feeling leaves me so
weepy, so tired, I want to continue to eat, and drink coffee, and…
and… and…
When
I meet someone, and we hug, the tears come, they will say, “Its ok,
really, it’s ok.” Yes, I’m fine, really, these are not sad tears,
they’re tears of emotion… I like the emotion, I know I’m alive and
breathing… gives me a solid platform to stand on…
I don’t
know what day it is, I’m running them together, when I come up with
a day, I’ll let you know…
I’m thrilled
that my computer was stored where I could find it easily… using other
peoples computers is nice, having mine, that’s nicer… there’s a familiar
feel with that, like sleeping in my bed, which I haven’t done is months…
getting used to it, I guess one could get used to anything, even torture…
wonder why I said that? Oh well, I’m not taking it out, there’s a
reason I said it, most likely I needed to hear it, feel something
other than what I’ve been feeling… {lonely}
Monday
23rd August 2004
Didn’t
sleep well, woke up four times, don’t remember what I was thinking,
or what was thinking me… I took Sandi to see my house yesterday, I
felt ok while being there, they trashed the back yard, it looks like
a dump… the heart ach didn’t occur until I was asleep… the love and
care I had put into my home for the past five years, and having Ian
be with me for three of those years, I started the creation, then
we continued, making our space, not just comfortable for us, for all
who came to visit… so to see the sadness all around, it was like looking
at a child that was abused… my heart hurt beyond these words… I weep
as I write, feeling the sadness, and knowing that we were divinely
guided, that if all the events hadn’t happened the way they did, we
would be sitting on Quail Hollow, talking about being on the road
instead of ‘being on the road’… no regrets, truly…
I needed
to jump start my body/soul/heart with a brisk walk, Spirit looked
at me with wonder, his eyes filled with love, he knows me so well,
and has gotten used to somewhat of a routine, this morning the routine
was altered, “OK mom, I got you’re taking a new approach on the day.”
“yes my boy, we are, we had walked about three blocks when we spotted
Sandi, Spirit turned to me, “go get her.” He ran to her, when she
turned to wait for me to catch up, her smile filled my troubled heart,
melting what ever anxiety remained…
She asked
how I was, I told her, she was there for me, I felt relief and comfort…
The paper
was ready to mail, Patricia was with me, I love her, the energy we
share comes from a humble honest, heart felt, loving connection… I
know that ‘m heard when I speak with her, she knows she’s heard as
well… having that comfort to speak without guarding my words is a
gift, it’s as if I were speaking to another me… I hadn’t thought of
that until right now… that’s huge… good… really good…
Vissy
called, we’re meeting at 1:15 at the Wildflower, its our new eatery,
good food, great view… it’s a great spot, I can bring Spirit, sit
outside, he really doesn’t want to be left behind, and I don’t want
to leave him, we are the only security right now… it would be life
leaving an infant behind, I don’t think so… we weren’t to hungry,
it was more of being together, I wish they had built a park here instead
of this huge hotel complex… oh well, they didn’t ask me, so, here
we are… having a bowl of soup… it’s wonderful…
Vismaya
is a singer… she’s great, she’s passionate, she sings in many languages,
born is Sweden… six feet tall, slender, long legs, she’s a beauty…
some years ago, she lived in my guest house, I’ve had many people
live with me from time to time, when ever someone needed a place,
and I had a place, there wasn’t an issue, they came to Quail Hollow…
what’s it for? That’s how my father was, he brought home all the strays…
I loved that, he brought people home for dinner when they didn’t have
food to eat… daddy had this saying… “when a man is hungry, feed him,
but don’t give him money, give him food.”
{we didn’t
have much, for the first twelve years of my life we lived in a two
bedroom, one bath apartment… for the first six years, there were eight
of us living there, then my uncle got married, then when I was eight,
my aunt got married, then at ten my Bubby [that’s Yiddish for grandmother]
died, then there were five of us, my brother, sister, mom, and daddy}
when
my Bubby departed, that chapter of my life formed who I am today,
she was my everything… that’s an entire book on its own…}
Vissy
is seeing that living in a small town is not supporting her future,
yet she doesn’t know what to do at this time… she gets a few gigs,
not as much as she would like. Time has taken on a new meaning these
days… ever since the Venus Transit, I’ve felt a quantum shift in my
reality…
Being
born into the Matrix, 3D world, the familiarity of that time/space
continuum had been a ‘dogma’ {an unquestioned belief} I’m not living
in that 3D world, I, with many others are living in the 5th
dimension… we’ve never been here… this is totally new, and in this
newness, we’re making up everything as we go alone… no one has been
here, not from this time zone, that’s where the discomfort comes from…
the unknown… look at your own life, are you feeling anxious? Sleepy,
hungry all the time, can’t focus… thoughts come in and go out so fast
you can’t remember what you just thought… relationship changing… new
ones coming in, old ones leaving… extreme emotions… it’s all exciting,
this is why we’re here… this is what we’ve chosen… why else would
you be here? To experience it all… this is the grandest time EVER…
wallow in it… frolic in it… and know your not crazy… this is the evolution…
WELCOME…
This
is from Earth code:
“When
a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be no
doubt. But that is not what great ships are built for…”
http://www.paulapeterson.com
We came
to Mother Earth with clarity of choice, to share our love with other
souls who’ve made the same choices, our assistance is required at
this time… ~ Mother Earth need us now, she needs us all… ~ stay turned
into the ▫ Choice Channel ▫… the choice channel is ‘your
intuition’… so don’t go looking for it on your radio… there will be
times when you look at the situation and say… are you out of your
fricken mind, I don’t want to choose that! This is the time for you
to stop what ever you’re doing, and choose THAT… Remember when I shared
about the jeep over heating… did I want to choose that? NO… what
did I do? I chose that… even having a hissy fit… I chose that…
IT’S
THERE, WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO? DON’T CHOOSE HAVING A FLAT TIRE, WHEN
THE TIRE IS FLAT… COME ON… GET REAL…
24TH
August
Yeah
~ I slept soundly… waking up only once to pee, what a blessing… six
solid hours of sleep, 5:30, day is breaking though, the sky is that
soft pink and blue… these colors are there for a few minutes, so being
awake to see them, I am blessed… more ‘eye candy’…
I went
over to Patricia’s, I told her what had come to me yesterday about
her being another me… she said, “you’re seeing yourself clearer then
you’ve ever seen yourself, you’re knowing who you re on a deeper plane.”
It’s true, while we were speaking, looking into our eyes, seeing/feeling
this deep emotion and love for one another, our eyes were watery,
our noses were red, seeing what I look like by looking into Patricia’s
face… how beautiful is that?
Today
is the 27th
The messages
I’m receiving is confirmation that I need to stay in my body, right
here on Mother Earth…
Yesterday
while on our walk, I was asking my guides what now? Where do I go
from here? When I left Salmon Arm, I was positive I was going back…
now I don’t know… I don’t know from one moment till the next what
will be set before me… What I heard was this…
“Be like
Spirit, he loves, sleeps, eats, loves, takes a morning run, takes
a dump, loves, wags his tail, loves. Sleeps…”
“Great,
{my blood was boiling} I’m human, I’m doing, being, seeing, hearing,
smelling all these sensations have words, Spirit doesn’t have words,
I’m doing me the best I can, I’m choosing every moment, every breath,
every bolder in my path… please, give me a clearer direction… PLEASE…”
I went
over to Patricia’s… in the conversation we were having, I shared with
her one of my favorite analogies… when I was being taught how to ride
a two wheel bike, the word I heard was ‘balance’… ok, I hear the word,
yet until I rode my bike down the block alone, without someone holding
onto the back of the bike, it was only a word… now that I can ride
down the block, I can feel balance, and I now know what the word means…
once gotten its never forgotten… So, in choosing EVERYTHING, my life
is balanced, what’s been happening is, I’m riding on a smooth road,
feeling really good, then up pops a bolder, I hadn’t been taught to
navigate around the bolder, so what I’ve been doing is waiting … in
that wait mode… the bolder seems to have vanished… It’s miraculous…
Kathleen
had a little dinner party. There were six of us… fantastic meal, scallops,
shrimp, mushrooms in a light yummy sauce, salad, corn on the cob…
great food, great company…
Got back
to Sandi’s around 10… tired, the unknown continues to show itself…
Went
through my routine, brushing my teeth, wash face, hug Spirit, kiss
him all over his face, get into bed, read, light out…
28th
August Saturday
5:36
a.m. WOW… slept through the entire night, amazing… amazing… I can’t
remember the last time I slept without waking at least once to pee…
BIG WOW!
Last
night at Kathleen’s, one of the conversations was about living in
the 5 D world… having the familiarness of 3 D be there,
and now that we’ve stepped into the 5th Dimension, we’re
making it all up as it appears… this conversation gave Kath more peace
of mind… I know that’s what we’re after, peace of mind, comfort, contentment…
Spirit
and I took our walk, I knew this was our travel day… telling Sandi
that I was leaving for L.A. today, not knowing how long I would be
gone…
I know
there’s much to do with the ‘paper’, yet when I’m told to move, I
move… I got everything in order… packed the car… and by 10:30 I was
on the road…
I called
Kelly letting her know I was on my way… she’s ready for me, she said
she would leave the key so in the event she wasn’t there… you know
the routine…
I mixed
a can of tuna, having food in the car makes me happy… my new fav.
Is corn cakes… like rice cakes, there better, that’s just my opinion…
there’s great with tuna, or sweet butter, or peanut butter… or?
Hungry yet?
First
stop Anthem… Pee… Gas… Mocha… yes in that order…
Fast
forward… it’s 2:45… I hear a strange sound ~ opening the window
to hear the sound come to me louder… not a good feeling… I’m in the
middle of the desert, {yes, once again} what’s up with that???
I pull
over, look at the rear tire, fine, front tire… OH SHIT… you guessed
it, a flat…
It’s
hotter than a witches tit… it feels like 1000 degrees… it’s cooler
in the car… and being the trucks are flying by, I don’t take Spirit
out… standing facing the on coming traffic, I’m saying… “ok, someone
stop, I don’t know how to get the tire down from under this van…”
the trucks are flying by, I’ve put my hands up in the air to stop
anyone that’s willing to change this tire…
A little
white car, he stops about down the road, now he’s backing up… oh…
my… god… boy oh boy… the angles are having themselves a hay day…
too much fun… at my expense…
He didn’t
have to ask, it’s quit clear what’s up here… he says… “this is dangerous,
back her up just a little, there will be more room just a few feet
back”… “no problem… as long as I don’t ride on the rim”…
Well
now I know how to change my tire, I know where everything is, as long
as I can move the lug nuts, I’m good to go… so now that I know all
this, I won’t need to do it… safe travels from here on out…
Our hands
were black from the tires, we shook hands, I thanked him, blessed
him with all my heart…
I knew
Spirit needed to pee, I told him we would stop soon… I wanted to wash
my hands, the schmootch was caked on…
Seeing
the rest stop sign, I told Spirit, “one more mile.”
When
I open the door the witch cooled down a little… my entire being is
in upset… I’m choosing the upset… walking back and forth, watching
Spirit sniffing everything… “will he hurt me?” “oh now, he’s the
gentle giant.” This beautiful black angel is standing there, Spirit
walked over to her, standing by her, just being with her, knowing
she has the energy he loves to be around… she hands me the ‘Outlook’
and one other, the religious pamphlets… she’s telling me they’re good
reading… reaching out to take them from her, I cradle them to my breast…
my eyes well up, “thank you, I need these right now, I’m not very
happy at the moment” as I’m pointing to the spare I’m driving on…
“Where are you driving to?” “Santa Monica.” “Oh dear, you can’t
drive all that way on that donut!”
I knew
it wasn’t a great idea, since we had more then a hundred miles to
go… the angle and I hugged, I wept, then Spirit and I get back into
the car, the donut is going to get us there, we’ll drive really slow…
Its so
clear to me that my guides are enjoying themselves… they continue
to test me… Ian and I have known this all along… that’s why he was
calling our journey… “This is a test.” I’m not breaking… I continue
to choose what ever they give me… what ever cards are dealt… that’s
the hand I play…
I wanted
to smoke, I wanted to smoke really bad… I wanted that oral fixation,
so I chewed four finger nails off… looking for calmness, no where
to be found… they’re doing a hell of a job… I don’t have any answers…
wish I did, in the event anything shows up, remotely looking like
an answer I’ll let you know… I do know this… this journey has made
me stronger/ wiser, more confident, able to leap tall buildings at
a single bound… wouldn’t trade any of this experience with anyone…
this is MY journey… I’ve waited my entire life for this one… like
climbing Mt. Everest… this journey is my Mt. Everest…
I’m close
to Kelly’s, so, I’m not having a smoke… I want a beer, I won’t compromise,
I want a beer…
After
unloading my stuff into Kelly’s, {she’s not home} Spirit and I walk
to the market {three blocks away} back to Kelly’s, ICE Cold Pacifico…
YUMM…
Within
an hour Kelly and Donny {her new love, yeah, I really like him} came
home… hugs, big hugs… “Welcome home momma.” “thanks Kel.”
It’s
almost midnight, I can’t believe I’m still awake… not for much longer…
click here for September 2004 ->
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