1st May. ‘05
With each new day, having Ian wake up, knowing that
there’s a new day to explore life, to find what we’re
made of… Today was day 9 on the ‘Vibe’ machine,
I had taken 5 treatments, then stopped for a couple of days, today
I went into the booth with him… I felt this surging energy
running through my left hand, up my arm, fascinating… the
session is anywhere from 6 to 10 min… mostly they are 8 minutes…
amazing what can transpire in such a short time…
I just finished reading Ian’s journal…
that’s all I’m saying about that…
Thinking about obsession’s, I know I’ve
spoken about them, being my mind wants to keep me in this little
safe box called “3D World”… that’s fine
but not for me… I have no judgment on other peoples choices…
I truly honor what ever is chosen by you…
My feeling is, whenever I’ve been obsessed
about anything, there’s absolutely now freedom to choose other
wise… I was stuck…
Some years ago, I was obsessed with my truth that
I would NEVER get married, not ever, NEVER… this lasted for
a few years… one day my 2nd was-bind… {the X thing doesn’t
sound good to me, so was-bind is more palatable} and I were having
this conversation about marriage, I asked him if he would get married
again, he said, “No, no desire, no need at this stage of my
life.” I agree… we talked more, what came to the surface
was, I have no freedom to choose, I’m obsessed that marriage
would NEVER happen… the more I thought about this, the clearer
it came that I wanted to have the freedom to choose, so I gave up
‘The Never’ thing… even though marriage isn’t
something that I see for my life, I now have a new freedom, one
more obsession that doesn’t have a grip on me… yeah…
What I see for our New World, agreements…
not contracts… simple agreements… to be with another
when we choose to be, no ownership… ‘Stewardship’…
that’s what I see…
Gary gave me a massage the other day, he told me
my ribs were out of alignment, he moved stuff around, felt wonderful…
that’s something I want more of, getting massages, being touched,
it’s a big missing for me when I don’t hug enough, feels
empty… need more, lots more…”
2nd May ‘05
I had a date with Emily today, we met for lunch,
what a delight to share life stories with this wonderful sister
{this life time} this was the first time for us to sit and BE with
one another… we agreed, there’s magic everywhere, look,
truly, it’s all magic…
Later in the day Kathleen called, she was in the neighborhood, {tickle,
tickle} I love her… Ian was taking in the sun, lying by the
pool… good Vitamin D…
When Kath and I get to have our precious moments, we so wallow in
our time, blessed to share, that’s all we have, the only thing
I say I own is MY TIME… I won’t allow anyone to waste
it…
I just found another ‘obsession’…
it’s just temporary though… talking about “the
mind”… giving Kath my thoughts about my mind, and other
stories I’ve written here… there are other things that
flow though, eight one of us would say what was there, so last night
here are a few things that came;…
“The mind would rather see me in hell before
it would admit itself to be wrong.” Kath like that one, so
when I said it, she told me to write it down, so, here it is…
there are few more;
“I’ve been listening to my mind, and I know it’s
the enemy.”
We changed the subject, talking about how wonderful
it that David Michael is in her life, to have a partner that you
truly enjoy being with…
Kath said, ya know what we are? Pipe Dream Wizards…©
“When you know you have nothing to loose,
then it doesn’t matter which one you choose.” When you
think you have something to loose then you’ve already lost…
Truly, there’s no-thing to loose…
3rd May ‘05
Ok, this time I went into the space where the Vibe
machine is alone, Ian has been alone for a couple of days, today
it felt as though my soul wanted to experience the space with me
only… it was different… the collective energy is good,
the solo energy is good… it’s what ever space I created
in the moment…
I had a lunch date with Vismaya, beautiful singing
voice, and she sings all the songs I love, big band stuff…
torch songs… she sings in many languages… a 6’
tall blond, Swedish beauty…
As I was pulling out of the parking space in front of her place,
I turned the van a little to sharp, didn’t see the poll…
the poll is fine, the van isn’t…
It took about 10 seconds for me to get over what I had done…
not paying attention… I’ve been spacey for a while,
when Gary came over, he said, I looked at the van, good job…
yup… talking about being spacey, he said he knew what I was
talking about because he’s been doing a lot of yoga and other
practices just to stay grounded… Ian said, “I feel very
grounded, this pain is keeping me grounded.”… I said,
good thing too, because if the three of us were in that collective
state of spacey, we wouldn’t stay on the planet…
Gary agreed with me… I like agreements, even
when we were agree to disagree…
Then out of the blue Ian said, “I think I’ll
change my name to Phillip.” We played with that one for a
while, Gary and I thought it was funny… Ian didn’t think
it was funny, he said, “Phil.” Trying it on, then he
thought better of it, and shook his head, na, don’t think
so… Then when I went to say Phil, Fred was what I said, then
corrected myself and said, Phil, we laughed… I notice I don’t
laugh that much, so when I do, like tonight, it’s noticed…
I love to laugh… do you know you can go to a laugh clinic?
Really, it’s true, I saw something on TV about these laugh
clinic…
Ian’s been doin 12 hour sleeps… today
was rough… the growth has moved, it’s putting pressure
on his voice box… this ‘thing’ doesn’t have
a chance in hell of sticking around… it’s fighting tooth
and nail to keeps itself safe and warm in Ian’s throat…
“Ya gotta love it, it’s a part of you, thank it for
all the lessons, now its time for you to go.”
4th May
Today is Ian’s 13th treatment on the Vibe
machine… he didn’t have a restful sleep, this growth
has a life of it’s own, and decides when or what it want to
do… it’s visibly shrinking, I can see it, and feel that
it’s smaller…
From the time Ian returned to the states on the
evening of the 2nd of April, til now, we’re talking 32 days…
what he’s gone through, the experiences with ozone, and all
the herbs, now the Vibe treatments… my god, he’s on
the fast track…
Earlier this morning he said, “thank you sooo
much for being with me through this, I wouldn’t want to do
it alone.” Sitting on the bed next to him, touching his sweet
face, “you’re very welcome, I signed up for this, this
is the container that is filling my soul, I will see it through
until the end.” I kissed his forehead, “I love you.”
Spirit and I went for our walk… it’s a beautiful Sedona
day… pristine…
This Vibe machine is anti ageing, we were in it
for 10 minutes today, I’m so relaxed, the muscles through
out my body continues to find new ways of being… I wish I
had other words to express what I’m feeling…
Well, that’s it for now… Peace Be With
You… Everyone…
Thank you so much for all you’re emotional
support… I feel it, and embrace it…
You’ve made this journey less effortful, much more enjoyable,
palatable, truly… we wouldn’t have made it this far
with out you… we’re in this world together, this time
it will last forever, and ever more… {aah, those words, those
wonderful songs}
IN
LAK’ECH… Matty
4th May ’05 7:45 p.m.
I love being the observer of this life… to
step outside of ‘me’… as if I were a third party
giving witness to someone else’s life… It brings me
pause to reflect…
These past 30 + days while Ian is going through major shifts and
changes, being the viewer, I too are experiencing huge shifts, I’m
totally enjoying it {accept for those times when ‘my’
mind want to step in and turn it all to shit}… when I do,
then there are those days when it’s not like that, it’s
the other end of the spectrum… so be it…
“I am living my life knowing that all my needs
are always met, and I’m always being taken care of…”
and so are you…
Speaking with Ray today, he reminded me that Sunday
is Mothers day, I said, “ever since my mom died, I really
don’t think about Mother’s day… just not there
in my awareness any longer”… I noticed that the last
time I went into a store that had greeting cards, I turned my head
away from looking at the mothers day cards… hum, what’s
that? I miss her very much, we held hands when we walked down the
street, she was a bitty thing, 4’11”… at one time
she was a striking five foot, she lost an inch somewhere, we never
did find it… now that I’m writing about her, I miss
her even more…
Mom would have been 95 on May 15th, then on the
20th my dad’s birthday, so May was a special month, in the
past, not any longer…
5th May ‘05
Today was Ian’s 14th treatment on the Vibe
machine, he woke up saying that he felt a shift, as though his tongue
had been released from a vise… “we’ll see what
happens when I sit up.” He said it was hard to say, the head
ach that he’s been living with this entire time comes in waves
from intense to mega intensity… he says, “Its hard to
be nice with so much pain going on.”
Mostly we’re quiet around one another, this
is unique, being in the past there was so much to talk about, now,
it’s not about words, it’s about feelings, deep recessed
feelings… it’s beautiful to witness what’s coming
on with Ian at this time, incidences that had been hidden in plan
view, yet not looked at for what ever fear might stir the pot, and
create something that isn’t or hadn’t been welcome,
the only way I know of healing anything is to face the monster…
I went to a dream analyses class years ago, the
professor told a story of a young client that had a continuous dream
about this monster chasing her, the monster had a grotesque mask
on… the professor told her, “the next time you have
this dream, you turn towards this monster, take off its mask and
tell the monster that you’re not afraid of it.” The
following week, the young women came to class, telling the professor
that she did in fact change the dream, that when she started running,
she heard his words, turned towards the monster, taking the mask
off, seeing that it had been her mother, then saying, I’m
not afraid of you, not any more. Her entire life changed in that
instant… her entire life she had been afraid of her mother…
cruel woman…
Facing one’s fears could be a frightening
thing, yet, once you face the first, the rest is a piece of cake…
don’t forget who’s in control here…
YOU… ~ MIND… choose…
We’ve been in Sedona for two weeks, when I
said that out loud to Ian, he looked at me, “No!” “Yes,
today was your 14th treatment.” Too fast, amazing…
If you’re not having a great day today…
it’s your own damn fault…
Friday 5th May ‘05
Looking for words that would describe how I’m
feeling, ‘struggle’ keeps showing up, yet this word
is way to vague… what’s under that?
OK, so I looked up the word struggle; 1: make strenuous
efforts to overcome an adversary…
2: proceed with great effort…
‘adversary’… enemy or rival…
Aah, there’s my mind again wanting to take control, and right
now, it’s doing a wiz bang job… and… I’m
allowing this… so, I’m not having a great day, and it’s
my own damn fault…
Movin from one emotion to another, that’s
what I see is occuring, as long as I’m in this human body,
this is what I can expect… it’s really ok with me, I’ve
chosen this, there’s great pleasure, most of the time…
Listening to the news, hearing ‘the mr. bush’
is going to Europe, there’s a celebration going on, 60 years
since WW II ended… what have we learned?
With devastation and deaths of millions of people… sure, they
chose their lives, they chose to be there… I know, it seems
strange to choose a life filled with suffering, yet, when there’s
a ‘karmic’ debt to pay, what else is there? It must
be paid, one way or another…
When I look around, {especially in big city’s}
where have we taken ourselves? Have we stopped raging against our
neighbors? Have we given up the struggle to “make ends meet?”
Yes, it will end soon, this cannot continue, it cannot…
There are so many of us who have woken up to “The Truth”…
especially since the internet went up in ’92, our consciousness
has taken on a life of its own… I thank God for that…
{not as though there is something outside of myself} its all me,
all of it… I take stewardship, guardianship…
There are some who’ve come here this time
with a clean slate, they came to guide others through these times
of change, entering our ‘New World’ will take some doing,
like the first time you sat in front of your computer, did you have
much of a clue as to what all the buttons meant? I don’t think
so, I know I didn’t, I learned to type in Jr. High, that was
a blessing, yet, the rest of it was quit foreign… the more
I paid attention to what I experimented with, the more exciting
it became to find my way around my computer… it’s the
same with entering our ‘New World’… we’re
going to need guides to show us around, give us a tour so to speak…
you might ask, ‘Were will I find a guide?’ Ask, someone
will show up, don’t have any expectations on how they may
look, you never know what ‘jokesters’ these angels are,
and they enjoy playing tricks on us… Have you ever put something
down, knowing for sure where you put it, yet when you went back
for it wasn’t there?... {Its them} then later, it’s
right there where you left it in the first place… they’re
laughing their head off… because what just happened was, you
went a little crazy, knowing where you put {those keys} or what
ever… you get my drift?
There is so much ‘control’ going on,
‘They’ want to continue to keep ‘us’ under
control, dictate how we should be, what we should wear, what we
should eat…
Vismaya and I walked into a shoe store the other day, she picked
up a shoe, one of those with a four inch heal and pointy toe, no
toe can fit into that… anyway, she said, “who in there
right mind wears these, there awful.” I said, “this
is brilliant marketing, ‘they’ create what ‘they’
want you to wear, and put in on the shelf, you walk into the store,
and because that’s all they offer, that’s what you buy…
brilliant”… personally, I’ve not followed trends,
only my own, whatever I’ve wanted to wear, I do… I don’t
give a hoot what others say, or do, those shoes would cripple my
feet, not interested… Vissy said, not me either…
Did you read the article about M S G? how the fast
food places use more then you could ever know, they use it for many
reasons, one is…
S L O W K I L L
Then you want to eat more because it tastes so good…
wonder why obesity is running ramped all over the globe… this
is a kinder death then putting us in the gas chamber?…
Tired, feels like something has taken over, as if
I’m not in control… While we were driving over for the
Vibe session, I said to Ian, I’m so tired today… Ian
said, “It’s got to be hard being around me and my energy,
I’m so sorry.” “Please don’t be sorry, I’ve
chosen this for whatever I need to get/learn… this too shall
pass, always does… when we arrived, David asked how I was
doing, I told him about feeling tired, he said he was feeling strange
also…
{misery loves company.} after the session, I felt relaxed, centered…
The Indian Poet Tagore Wrote;
“When Old Words Die Out On The Tongue, New Melodies Break
Forth From The Heart.”
Smelling the fresh cut grass, my eyes are closed,
the fragrance enters every cell of my being… The Yellow Brick
Road is leading me to my precious Garden… Tulips, daffodils,
pansies, snapdragons, sun flowers, petunias, they’re smiling
at me as I walk past… I express my gratitude for their presence,
giving me a snippet of what lie’s ahead… above the azurite
sky, white angelic winged clouds, this is my canopy…
Spirit is prancing, being careful not to step on
the flower beds, I feel his joy, we’re so content, so alive,
filled with gratitude, joy, love & peace…
This fantasy I hold dear to my heart…
Your future is the reincarnation of your thoughts…
Watch your thoughts; they become your word…
Watch your words; they become your actions…
Watch your actions; they become your habits…
Watch your habits; they become your character…
Watch your character for it will become your destiny…
I don’t know who wrote this… I love
it, and must share…
7th May…
We’ve been in this condo for a week, oh my
gawd, where has the time gone?
The 20th would have been daddy’s birthday,
he would have been 97, born in Poland in 1908…
So, we’ve been working on these papers for a long time, our
lives have taken on a way of being that in a million years I wouldn’t
have dreamt could have occurred… that was a mouth full…
Anyway, about the 20th, this is the day we’re going to get
funded…I’m requesting that whomever
is reading this, to please gather friends/family to sit, create
magic with us, to get the first ‘wagon’ into California
for the ‘gold rush’… there were many brave souls
that volunteered for this journey, and what a grand journey it was.
Sure, there were hardships, there were times when I’m sure
some folks thought they made the wrong decision, yet once the ocean
was spotted, the celebration must have been humongous… “If
not now, when?” Now is the time, so having us get funded on
my daddy’s birthday… this is what I’m holding,
this is what I’m requesting you hold with me… talk about
waking people up… we’re all asking how we can assist
others… by giving them knowledge… you know that, you
know knowledge is power… power from the heart…
Until the ‘mind’ is at peace, the heart
suffers… When the ‘mind’ chatters the heart can
not find peace…
9th May…
I really thought today was the 7th, oh well, three
of my four children called me yesterday,
Happy mothers day… my youngest daughter is having a really
hard time watching her mom live this life, she wants me to have
a home, and a solid life… {whatever that mean to her}
She wants it to be the way it was, when I had my home, my children
would come for Thanksgiving… we would all be together…
it was bliss… we so love being with one another…
yet, now the little one is struggling… she’ll get to
the other side of it, I know she will, my love for her carries both
of us…
Thought; Having sex with someone doesn’t mean
you’ve been given permission to criticize any of his actions.
Think about how you feel when someone criticizes
you… NOT GOOD… if you
don’t have something nice to say, say nothing at all…
What drew the two of you together in the first place?
Who was he being when he was new in your life?
You fell in love with _____, was it the fantasy
that you fell in love with?
Don’t forget, what he does, doesn’t have anything to
do with you, he’s doing
Him, you’re doing you, you’re not him, he’s not
you… he’s going to do it ‘his’ way, you’re
going to do it yours… you don’t want him to sway your
thinking, why do you think you ‘must’ change him? What’s
going on here… do you know
that more then 50% of marriages don’t last… I’ve
had 2, as far as I’m concerned, a relationship lasts until
its time for a change… what’s the big
deal? You stay with one another until there’s that time when
you look around
and what was once common ground, has turned into shaky ground…
talk… that’s the first step… what is you want,
what is it that he wants… now that
you know you don’t want the same thing any longer… wish
one another well…
be friends… and call it good… {It’s your mind
that wants to fight, remember,
your mind would rather see you dead, then to be wrong.}
When I hear about women badgering men, it turns my stomach, and
the same when a man turns on a woman, they once loved one another,
TALK DAMN IT, TALK… if you don’t know how, find someone
that can facilitate… everyone has their own point of few,
doesn’t mean you must agree, yet you can agree to disagree…
then move on… “if not now, when?”
Our new world is made up of love, joy, peace, contentment,
honoring, growth… the words, ‘anger,’ ‘fear,’
‘no,’ will be removed from our vocabulary…
Did your point of view change? With the thought that {he’s
wrong} rest assured, NO ONE WINS . . .
14th May, 2005… The Year of our Lord…
Ok, so what if it were ‘The Year of our Lord?’
How far would we have come from those times? How far have we come?
We’re still fighting, we’re still wanting control over
the people… We have much more awareness than ever, that’s
the only difference…
We’ve woken up to a new reality, this reality
is one where we know who we are, and we’re standing up to
everyone/anyone who wants to prove different…
We’ve traveled quite a distance, we are a
family on this ‘wagon train’ we’ve kept up our
morals by our continued expression that what we’re here to
do is show up, allow what ever appears in our path be there, and
handle it… we would sit around the fire at night talking about
the day when we stand on the top of the mountain and see the ocean…
Well, we’ve made it to the top of the mountain,
we’re celebrating, we see the ocean, smell the sea wafting
its way up the mountain, knowing that our journey wasn’t for
‘not’…
There were periods of different times, when someone
on the ‘train’ had a break down, it was ok, we all had
our own experiences, whatever one needed to experience was ok with
all…
Lessions learned, some easier than others, we didn’t know
what we were getting ourselves into… we didn’t know
we would have to fight the Indians in our today’s world, the
‘law’ the way we did…
We’ve not allowed anything to stop us, we’re way to
tenacious…
You wanna get in my face, you go right ahead…
Ian just said; “Balance is the only victory, and the only
glory.”
WOW WOW WOW
In 1988 I participated in the Forum, Werner’s work…
six years of my life went into my growth, my understanding of how,
“I” functioned, why ‘I’ responded to situations
the way ‘I’ did… what I’ve gotten, how I
live my life is being ‘My Word.’ When I say I’m
going to do something, “I’m count~on~able” I’m
there because ‘I said so.’
People that are in my life are the same, we honor one another for
being count~on~able… it’s an amazing way to live…
The first time someone isn’t their word with
me, well, shame on you, the second time you’re not your word,
shame on me…
then there’s a conversation about who we are for one another…
what does each bring on this road to enhance the others life?
Where there’s agreement, there’s contentment, balance…
could you stand on a balance beam and not be in integrity? No, you’d
be on your ass in a heart beat…
So, look around, who are you being?
Can
you look yourself in the mirror eye ball to eye ball, and know that
you’re living your life in total integrity… YEAH I knew
you’d say yes… doesn’t it feel great… what
a ride… what a wild ride… so happy that my little girl
loves rollercoaster’s…
{Santa Monica Pier 1948, 6 or 5 years old, .10c a ride, I would
sit on the rollercoaster for .30c worth, half of the coaster hung
over the ocean, it was fantastic}
More
to come soon---->>>>>
