4th
April ‘05
Ian
returned to L.A. on the 2nd, picking him up at LAX around
9 pm… he called that day around 4, telling me he was coming, when
we hung up, Jodi, {we were driving, we had gone on a great hike}
said, “you’re is only family, so of course he would call you.”
He’s
here with me at Ray’s… getting treatments… he’s thin, that’s ok,
he wakes up each day, he’s in great spirits… he’s been going to
the gym each day, working out, then sitting in the sauna, sweating…
5th
April
I’m
allowing my mind to take control of ‘my knowing’…
My
knowing is, all’s well, that my time here {at Ray’s} is coming to
a cross road…I’ve been here for over 2 months… it’s time for him
to have his space back, yet without funds, there’s no place for
me to go, and now with Ian, we’ve talked, we constantly talk, Ray
has a problem with Spirit and the hair all over, no matter how many
times the place gets swept/vacuumed, there’s always more hair… spirit
has a plan that I’m not aware of as yet, when I find out, I’ll let
you know…
Things
vanishing; Ian’s Harry Potter hat flew off his head while he was
on the fairy going to Vancouver… It was the Wizards Hat… yes, Ian
is a wizard, he is a man first… he’s getting a closer look at that…
he’s doing so well, owning what he hadn’t allowed himself to see
in the past… bless him…
There
was something a miss. Balance, living in this world, both
feet planted on Mother Earth, knowing something/anything,
and Being, are distinguishable by one’s heart, not one’s
mind… the mind is delusional an illusion…
Coming
from one’s heart, there are no secrets, no hiding, everything is
out in the open… on the table… as long as there’s no harm to self
or others…
7th
April ‘05
I haven’t written in days, with Ian here, my priority is to make
sure he’s comfortable… this is his time to surrender… I know this
one… when I flipped the truck, it was challenging to ask for a glass
of water… yet, I couldn’t move, so, I didn’t have a choice… I’m
feeling emotions flow with magical synergy…
This
page sat open for 7 hrs. before anything else came to me…
I
Arrived from The Creator, I’m Creating, returning to knowing I’ve
Created all of it…
When
Ian left to go back to BC… I felt two emotions simultaneously,
relief/major upset, the upset was that I got traded in for a newer
model… of course there’s no rationality around this, yet, this is
what my mind wanted me to believe… and for a while I went along
with it, I didn’t want to hear from him, I didn’t want anything
to do with him... I was thrilled that someone else was going to
take care of him, leaving me free to live my life… I knew this
mind of mine wanted to keep me prisoner, wanting to keep/and remain
in control…
Jo-e
said, “you must love him a lot for you to be this upset.” Smart
ass kid…
Why
I do anything that goes against my intuition, well, this is the
human condition that I signed up for, what else is there to do?
Be with it all…
In
the past I believed everything my mind told me, even knowing that
my intuition would have gotten me to that place sooner, I still
took the long way home…
Learning
my lessons, well…
WHO ELSE IS INSIDE THIS BODY?
Ok, now’s the time to revel all the secrets, NO more secrets…
I’m
thrilled to have Ian here, he came to his only family, me, he’s
my brother, my blood brother left the planet 31 years ago, he was
38, I loved him with all my heart, for 3 years after his passing
I renounced god… think I was pissed? I was 31, so, for the next
8 yrs, I tortured myself, I knew I would die at 38 just like my
brother… when he was 13, he was riding his bike and got hit by a
car, when I was 13, I was riding my bike, got hit by a car… so it
made perfect sense that I would follow, there were so many other
incidences that occurred like that…
Every
year I would go to the doctor, telling him, “I know these are psychosomatic
{caused by the interaction of mind} ailments, {the doctor
knew about my brother} he would check me out…
One
year, I had him hook me up to a heart monitor for 24 hrs, when I
looked in the mirror, I looked grey, like death…
Once
I took an entire bottle of Valium… that was fun…
“This
is your mind speaking, ‘That bottle of Valium, open the bottle,
put them into your mouth, now, swallow.”
That’s
cute, dumb shit…
Yeah,
1981, I’m 39, I have a huge party… amazing the freedom I felt… the
night before I walked into the garage, stepped on two nails, I
was bare foot… they went in real good… I washed my foot, cleaned
it as good as I could, went about the rest of my day, then around
3 am, the fire that ran through my leg woke me from a sound sleep…
My
husband was sleeping, I spoke his name he didn’t move, so I took
myself to the hospital… they gave me a tetanus shot, sent me on
my way…I didn’t wear shoes to my party… I didn’t care… I was thrilled
that woke up to another day…
‘My
mind is talking,’ “Ok, she’s made it this far, lets give her…
Divorce…
she’s
never been on her own, lets see what she can do… let’s see, ‘what
does Matty know how to do?’ Humm, she’s been a mom since she was
18, her youngest is 12, we’ll have her be so spacey that she must
leave… alone….
I
found a 550 sq.ft. cottage in Venice, on the canal, three weeks
later, I landed a bar tending job at The Ivy in Beverly Hills California…
The Ivy is a place to see and be seen, then and now, it’s Ja Lo’s
favorite lunch spot…
My
new best friends were the guys that worked at The Ivy… I thought
I was having a great time, because I wasn’t centered, nor grounded,
I felt like everything was floating… I had a guardian angle, Steven…
for two years he was the one that kept me as sane as I could be…
I slept four hours a night, walked 4 to 6 miles every day, around
5:30 am…ate little, went down to 108 lbs… my children didn’t talk
to me… my youngest told me,
“As
far as I’m concerned, my mother is dead.”
We’ve
come a long way… it’s all in the communication…
Back
to Ian, it was the perfection thing again… we REALLY needed to separate
our energy bodies and our energy field… I’ve said this before, “When
love is your foundation, what else do you need?” communication…
anyway… when shit gets thrown on top of the foundation, it’s up
to each of us to remove that, and the way to remove it is understanding
that what the other person chooses to do has nothing to do with
you… they’re choosing what works for them, there might be consequences
for one’s actions, yet, it’s still what had been chosen…
I
was sharing a distinction with Cheri, we were talking about monogamy,
she didn’t like the idea of, what she calls, ‘double dipping’…{the
word monogamy didn’t exist in Eden} so, I used me as the example,
when Ian was with me, he was with me… when he was with someone else,
that’s where he was… this had nothing to do with me… I knew this,
yet, {here it is again,} my mind told me other things, stuff that
I knew wasn’t true, but I believed my mind over my ‘knowing’ that
one thing has nothing to do with the other… it’s all choice… what
I choose doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else… it’s all
me… Ian choosing to go to BC had nothing to do with me, his choice
was ‘his’ choice, then what I choose to do with that was my mind
working over time… like puke, I needed to get it out of my body…
once I puked, I was clear again that my love for him, is my love
for him… simple…
Oh
yeah, Ian, my brother… we’ve tried on being lovers… that was great
until it stopped being great, so we spoke about recreating our relationship,
recreating, redefining, what ever you want to call it… it’s all
in the communication…
This
is our time for healing, healing everything you can think of…
Remember, “No Secrets”… set yourself free…
Ian
and I are on an ozone regiment, fresh, organic veggies squeezed
daily, {by me} Ian, for “what had been labeled {by the mind} as
cancer” I for herpes, they were gifted to me about 3 years ago…
I’m grateful that I hadn’t had them when I was in my 20’s…
Having
these treatments has created an alteration within my entire being…
{Like what you’re asking}
Tuna,
is my all time favorite… after the first treatment, and having juices
all day, I was hungry… I opened a can of tuna, the smell almost
knocked me on my ass… I ate it because I was hungry, and I had opened
the can… {waste not want not} who said that?
Ian
and I were sharing stories, he was telling me about where he was
on Easter Sunday… standing in the ocean, in Jamaica… I told him
I was at the beach that day, sending him healing energy… we just
looked at one another… there’s a knowing we share, words, sometimes,
get in the way…
Different
realities;
My reality isn’t any grander, or less then yours… my reality is
my reality, yours is yours…
I chose this one, because I chose this one… chocolate, vanilla choose…
if you’ve done The Forum, you know what that means… Chocolate choose…
I
chose my life, because I chose my life… reasons, stories… I’m a
bottom line kinda guy… don’t give me your story… when I invite you
to lunch on Tuesday, the answer is yes, or no…
Can
you handle that? Try it, do this with someone that you trust and
they of course trust you… no stories, by the way, if you answered
no to my invite to lunch on Tuesday, what day would work best for
you?
Honor
and respect everyone’s choices… you want your choices to be honored,
don’t you? Telling you what a great job you’re doing, by being
you… Ian’s taken off his mask, no more hiding… no more secrets…
That’s all they’ve ever asked for… for us to BE…
8TH
April ‘05
We
had a break from our treatments, allowing our body to regroup…
Taking
a drive up PCH, it was a blustery , Winnie the Pooh day…
The
ocean was turquoise, small white caps… soft baby blue sky, a few
clouds, some angel wings… to cold to walk on the sand, I feel alive
when I’m at the beach…
I’ve
put Spirit on a raw food regiment, I’ve been so brain washed about
feeding him dog food… not remembering where dogs have come from,
how they ate what they caught, and the need to eat everyday, they
didn’t unless they caught something… you would never see a fat dog
in the wild… what are we doing to our beloved four legged friends…
killing them with kindness… bull shit… man it’s time we get a grip
on a new reality…
Dog
food, no matter what the ingredients, the food has been processed,
heated, killed, there’s no life in dog food… no wonder they get
sick… and fat, they don’t get enough exercise, they live in the
concrete jungle… this brain washing has gone on too long…
GET OUT OF YOUR MIND… TAKE IT ON THE LAMB…
When
the treatments are complete, we will leave LA… it’s time… this is
really good…
Well,
that’s it for now… Blessings… Keep those prayers comin in… I’ll
take all the blessings I can get…
In
Lak’ech… Matty…
Mike…
I love you…
11th
April…
About
a month ago, I had spoken to my ‘guides’ telling them, “I don’t
want to do this alone.” I’ve done so much of my life alone, even
when I was married for 14 years, he didn’t want to be my friend,
he only wanted a wife… it wasn’t until years after we parted that
he got what I was asking, he apologized for not being my friend
while we were married… I accepted his apology… after all we have
a child together, he will always be in my life… I love him for the
gifts we gave me, I love who I am, and if he hadn’t been in my life,
I would be someone else…
So,
about wanting someone to share this journey, someone who has the
same desires as I, that’s what I’ve put out into the cosmos… when
Ian called saying he was coming, saying to my ‘guides,’ you guys
have some sense of humor…
Ian
and I have had the same desires from the beginning, that’s why we
were drown to be on the journey with one another…
He
had to explore alone so he could see that what we share isn’t available
everywhere…
His
experience this last time, didn’t live up to his fantasy… not even
close… I love the way my guides protect me, they know that I’ve
been straight all the time, being ethical, upstanding, coming for
the love that I easily share with everyone… it feels good just walking
down the street and smiling at whom ever looks my way… and to get
a smile back… aah, that’s the best…
15TH
April, ‘05
Meeting
a friend at the market, someone I hadn’t seen a quit a while…
He asked, what was going on with me… telling him I’ve
been doing a great deal of writing about my mind… and how
from the very beginning of me being conscious of how my mind was
directing this show, also watching the audience get smaller and
smaller… dwindling down to … ME … when my mind
told me to open the bottle of valium, and take them… well,
there’s no doubt that the enemy was captured…
So,
while being in this conversation, telling him the story of the bottle
of valium… there’s a clearer picture… it’s
visual… and a great deal of us are visual… then, we/ME
gets it…
He
went on to say… “ When you can write about your mind,
you’re not your mind.”
OK… I own that as my truth… I’m clear I’m
not my mind… my mind has made me wrong to protect itself…
my soul reality is…
THERE’S
NO REASON FOR ME TO NEED PROTECTION… THERE’S ONLY ONE
OF US HERE…
To
protect myself, is a limitation from total freedom, when there’s
no limitations, about anything going on in our lives, there’s
the bliss…
Here’s a visual… cross your arms in front of your chest…
hold your arms tight into your chest… the words will come,
here are some of mine…
“NO,
I WON’T GIVE IN… NO, YOU’RE SO OFF, YOU DON’T
KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT… NO, I’M NOT MAD,
{with as much venom as could come without striking}… well,
if there’s no truth in what that person said… then…
why in gods name are you angry?”
Are
you watching your mind? Good… are you judging what you’ve
just read? I don’t care… I will embrace what ever anyone
has to share… from my perspective, the creator that I acknowledge
has two energies, one is an emotion, the other a word… the
emotion is LOVE… the energy is YES… so… with LOVE
& YES being where my soul resides, then having another be ‘wrong’
is out of the question… what ever perspective that person
wants to hold, they are honored for that, and for their love…
I’ve been called ‘selfish’ because I look after
myself first… my response when they’ve said that to
me is… ‘thank you so much, really, thank you for noticing.’
… their tone of voice is harsh … what I see is, they
want what I have, and they don’t know what to do to get it…mine
is sincere and grateful… LET GO, RELEASE… I’VE
BEEN GIVEN IT UP TO GOD… I’m done trying to do this
alone… when it shows up that I feel, {rather my mind is telling
me I’m on overload.} the overload, I give it away… it’s
been workin really well for the past month, ever since Ian returned…
I looked
into his eyes, deeply looked, “I love you Ian.” With
a smile, he said,
“I know you do, other wise you wouldn’t put up with
this shit.”
“This
love Ian, is so pure, that I am so not attached to you in any way…”
His smile grew brighter, “I know exactly what you’re
saying, because I feel the same way…” we continued by
saying, ‘this is what we talked about when we first got together…
yup, so, we’re a little slow in learning, {laughter} we’re
here now, that’s all that matters… In deed… wow,
steppin up to the plate, feels like the big leagues…
18th
April
There’s
a song that continues to play in my mind… {sometimes ‘mind’
is a-ok…}
“L.A.’s too much for the man, he’s goin back to
find a simpler place and time, so he’s leavin, on that midnight
train to Georgia…
I’m
tired today, not sleepy tired, … plum tuckered out…
as if this life of mine could end today, right now, I would call
it a great life… really great… stupendous… spectacular…
in the top 5%... this too shall pass, it always does, especially
since I’ve got the inside scoop on what my mind what’s
me to believe… {a sly one, wouldn’t ya say?}
Jo-e
has said many times, that if I were to take my own life, she would
hunt me down, there would be no way she would let me go through
with it… I couldn’t leave her… I love this life…
I came here for this, and this is what I’m here to recieve…
22nd
April ‘05
About
a week ago, a statement that I made was quite bold, Ian and I talked
about how what I had said could be taken so many ways, and one of
the ways it could be taken would be hurtful… {there’s
that mind workin over time again.} I’ll paraphrase, ‘that
Ian’s time in Canada didn’t come close to his fantasy…’
Here’s
how it was meant to read… “Ian and I said our good bye’s
in LA. Saying we would see one another in Canada, whenever that
would be… Ian was NOT coming back to the states… I said
good bye, in that moment the process began to release him…
this was a collective choice… didn’t matter what I wanted,
or didn’t want…this was a we decision… the true
was, we need to split… it got to that… at least we recognize
the energy when It shows up, even if it takes longer than it could
if we were TOTALLY conscious, at that time, we weren’t…
if I had been I wouldn’t have gotten upset…
I shared with him a thought about, ‘what if he died, what
would I do?’ there was only one answer… finish what
Ian and I started… he responded with a shrug and, “what
else would you want to do?” that would be it… get it
out there just the way we planed for all these years… so,
now we get to finish what we started with one another… {big
smile} as it should be….
So…When
the news came that indeed it’s cancer, in that moment, the
fantasy died…
Remember, cho, van, choose? Well, LIVE… DIE… choose…
IN… OR. OUT…
{That’s
what they asked me when I flipped the truck, in or out.} believe
me, you know, you don’t think about, or tell them you’ll
get back to them in the morning… you know the answer with
using your mind to have an answer…
it
took three day, {at least that’s what Ian said, I think.}
for Ian to choose, then he picked himself up, brushed himself off,
and starting all over again… {catchy ah?}
He’s doing a ‘wiz, bang job, recreating himself.’
I’ve
lost tract of time, we drove into Sedona on the 21st, April, it
was 1:15 pm…
Ever
since we’ve arrived in Sedona, it feels like there’s
this long drawn out pregnant pause that’s taking place…
there’s this little tickle, the tickle is, excitement, anticipation,
like giving birth, waiting for the next contraction, {remember?}
Many
hours have passed… sitting outside, watching the quails, the
male is singing his spring time mating call… how sweet is
that? Very sweet…
Did
you know that by holding onto any obsession, ANY, it could kill
you… did you know that? As a teen age girl, being obsessed
about having HIM call, then if he didn’t… I would surly
die… then it was grades in school… then… come
on help me out here, what was it for you? Finding a mate? Getting
a
JOB… Just Over Broke…
The year, 2009, location, anywhere in the Garden of Eden…
Our
wait is complete, we’ve arrived…
It
was on the third night of the third night…
The
voice was heard around the galaxy…
A single
word was spoken…
While
breaths were held, each heart skipped a beat…
Mother
Earth embraced her children, instilling into that skipped beat,
The
essence of
HER
LOVE
Written
by Matty
“I came that you might have life, and have it abundantly.”
23rd
April…
Saturday,
we moved from the place we’ve been at, it didn’t work
out for one of the guys, so, we packed up the van, speaking about
what’s next… I told Ian that the decision was his, being
this is about getting him healed, completely… we could go
to BC, or to Colorado, or we could camp, come in each morning to
juice… we went over to Gary’s, email friends to see
what they had in mind, a few hours after being at Gary’s he
say’s, “my neighbor, remember me telling you about her
breaking her ankle?” Jan, that’s right… “well,
I’ll call her, see what she has to say… great…
I walked over to meet her, it was love at first sight… so,
now we had a place to say… the angles are workin over time,
thank you guys… good job… really good…
Ian’s
had two sessions on the ‘Vibe’ machine… {me too}
the growth is definitely altering…
28th
April… 2004
Nop,
not a mistake… 2005, one year ago was when we were escorted
out of the house… amazing… truly… we decided to
go up to the house and do a ceremony… get closure with her…
the day was gloomy, drizzling on and off all day, {I loved it} driving
into the driveway she felt so sad, no one has taken care of her
in 365 + days… I thanked her for all the joy filled times,
the adventure in partnership, we gave one another harmony, bliss,
comfort, security… warmth… love… beauty…
energy…
While standing on the back porch, looking through the French doors
into the great room, Spirit pawed at the door, he so wanted in,
I told him we didn’t have a key, and this isn’t where
we live right now…
When I drove away, there was true completion… the book is
complete… wonderful story, took six year to complete, and,
the timing is perfect…
Ian
and I knew and felt the completion… the final episode…
now we’re writing a new story… it’s even more
magical… everyone’s lives are as full as they choose
them to be… so be it…
Thinking about my first memory {age 2 ½} …
Looking
at how I interpret what occurred, and my entire life could be wrapped
around that 2 ½ year old… now I’m 40, and still
responding the way I did waaay back then… now I’m 50,
then 60, when will it stop? Will it ever stop? How can it go away?
Something’s not kosher…
This
one almost everyone can relate to… I’ll be out with
Spirit, the person will say, “I’m afraid of dogs, I
got attached once and I’m not comfortable around dogs….”
How old are you? When did that happen, 20 years ago, 30, 40, what…
you’re still being afraid… who’s in that body?
Who’s calling the shots? AAH, YOU SAY IT’S YOUR MIND…
Oh I see… so for all these years, you’ve been allowing
your mind to continue to convince you that you are indeed afraid
of dogs… {that’s real adult} WAKE UP…put your
mind to bed, tuck it in, give it a kiss… tell it you’ll
pick it up later… {much later}
Are
you a recreation machine? If you’re living out of that child
in this manor, then the answer to the question is ‘yes’…
“I am a recreation machine”
For
the first 18 years of my life, I wanted to be my sister… she
is four years my senior, there’s a huge difference between
us when we were growing up… being 12, watching her at 16,
well, she was in the ‘in’ crowd…
So, for the first 18 years there was no ‘me’ present,
being my focus was on ‘D’… when my first child
was born, and my focus was directed to be of service for myself,
and my child, there wasn’t any more room in thought about
being anything other than what I was…
This was another leap into a new paradigm….
That chapter got complete… I felt ME for the first time ever…
In
retrospect seeing that I consciously became conscious on an entirely
new level…
How old were you when you became conscious of your consciousness?
I find this question interestingly creative, one must really look
deep to find this answer….
29th
April
These
last two days, Ian’s pain has taken him to new levels of self
awareness…
I feel helpless, there isn’t anything I can do, no-thing…
the new herb’s he’s been taking is moving things in
his body he didn’t even know he had… we were told that
by the 3rd day he would feel an amazing shift… one more day
to go…
At
least he’s able to sleep… with all the herbs and raw
foods {that he’s drinking} his system is clean…
We
talked about how easy it would be to leave the body… I can
see why people do leave, the pain is intolerable… {I call
this one, mind f__k.}
30th
April ‘05
Feeling
an energy shift from my first conscious breath this morning, looking
over at Ian, his face was relaxed… “How are you this
morning?” “I feel good, the pain is there, it’s
somewhat less intense.” Hearing that made my heart sing…
day by day… one breath at a time… it’s not been
easy, yet Ian is definitely up for this journey…
We’re
moving into a condo… the same complex we stayed in some months
ago… feels good to have a space of our own… I’m
in grand appreciation to have been invited to stay with my son Ray,
and with Jan here in Sedona, I’m just plan grateful to have
a roof over my head… and for Spirit… with Ian needing
to heal, it’s good to have a place where he can have the freedom
to do baths, take care of himself the way he wants to… in
someone else’s space, and only one bathroom, one needs to
be aware of their needs first…
Anyway,
this is good, we’ve moved all of our stuff in, nice…
More
to come soon---->>>>>
