March
‘05
2nd March…
Driving
Ian to the airport, our conversation was up lifting, very positive…
We were appreciating one another, all the energy we put into our relationship,
and the 'Paper'
When we were hugging, saying 'good buy', I said, "I'm speaking
for me, yet I know this includes you… The energy and emotional
growth is huge, my appreciation for our connection has been enormous,
I thank you,"
Back
on the freeway, the phone rang… "My ticket is for tomorrow."
"Wow, Ok, I'll turn around and come get you."
Back
at Ray's, Ian plugged his computer in, checking email, an email came
with information about one of 'Calkies' disciples… {About 2
years ago, Carl was invited to India to meet and have an audience
with Calkie,. He's an Avatar, his school as had millions of people
come through…} Calkie was 'gifted' a means in which there's
a transference of energy that allows the body, mind, soul to recreate
oneself to a higher frequency…
Freddie
and his partner Madeleine have come to the states, they happen to
be less then an hour away… Ian called; we were invited to come
meet…
While we were driving to meet them, we were clear why the flight wasn't
until the next day… sooo wild… I love that part…
They're
beautiful, Freddie had been studying with Calkie for years…
they've been traveling the world, sharing with thousands of people,
giving of themselves, asking nothing in return…
I requested
a 'transference', my request was granted, Ian asked also…
Ok, sitting
with my eyes closed, being given directions to 'allow' what ever comes
to come, not to DO anything, just breathing…
Sitting
straight, my hands on my thighs, the first sensation was "I was
floating in the ocean, then, I was floating in 'The Dead Sea,' while
in this state, heat engulfed my body, then I noticed my hands disappeared,
then my thighs disappeared, then my entire body vanished, I was nowhere
and everywhere at that same time… Tears streaming down my cheeks,
my breathing became labored…
Returning
to my body, opening my eyes, laughter came, strong belly laughs…
it took about ten minutes before I found my balance… grateful
that Ian said he was fine and able to drive home…
Sitting
in the passengers seat, observing newly me surroundings… EVERYTHING
was illuminated, brighter, clearer… I walked through a new paradigm
of reality. From the dark, came the light…
No more
anxiety… BIG WOW…
When
Ian returns to BC, he and Kristina will start promoting Freddie…
3rd March
Ian is
off today… all's well between us, our relationship is far from
traditional… {Thank God} this is the way we planned it…
of course we hadn't a clue how it would unfold, it would have taken
the adventure away if we knew what the future held… someone
said, "If you know your future, you don't have one." It's
not the destination; it’s the journey….
Freddie
will be doing a work shop in Anaheim, I'll make sure the date, time
and place is posted on mayanmajix… it will be sometime in April…
Sitting
at daughter Jo-e's home, picking up this little book… 'The Wit
and Wisdom of Benjamin Franklin'… "If you would not be
forgotten as soon as you are dead and rotten, Either write things
worth reading or do things worth writing." "Most of the
learning is use, is of no great use."
"Who
is Wise?
He that learns from everyone,
Who is powerful?
He that governs his passions.
Who is rich?
He that is content.
Who is that?
NOBODY."
Jo-e cut my hair, its about four inches shorter… looks beautiful…
I feel
lost, not knowing where I belong… Strange, unsettling feeling…
Feeling
the energy,
Walk by my side,
Know where I've come from,
How hard have I tried?
The wind
is blowing
Calling me home,
Oh how I miss you
From where do I find?
Holding
me close
I hold you my dear
The sun protects me
Cradles me to hear…
From
the 'Transference' that I experienced yesterday, there's so much clearing
going on… Freddie told me that I would experience all kinds
of emotions, and to allowing EVERYTHING to come through… ok,
I'm doing that, allowing it all to BE…
Weepy all day, feeling lost, misplaced… yet there's no anxiety
in my body…
Ray and
I were talking, looking over at him, I said, "Ray, I admire you."
He said, "about what?" I repeated what I said, "thanks
mom, I got it."
Something
that had come to me years ago was, saying, "What you want for
you, is what I want for you." I've told Ian that many time…
whatever it is that he wants, is what I want for him…
I told
Ray how honored I am to share his space, he gave me a Ray smile, the
one that melts my heart…
4th March…
Ian phoned
this morning, his call went straight to the message center, strange,
being the phone was in my pocket…
Since
I've been in LA I haven't seen my sister, something kept coming up
for us not to get together… today is the day… driving
on the 405 freeway, bumper to bumper in the powering rain, feeling
a deep sadness… the phone rang… Jo-e…
"What's up mom?" Thinking about times in my communication
with Ian, the times when I would ask a simple 'yes or no' question,
what I would get is a story or an excuse." This was making me
feel crazy… and sad…
Jo-e
asked if it were alright for her to share her thoughts on what I was
saying… and of course I ALWAYS want to hear what she has to
say, she's taught me so much… my wise daughter…
Ok, this
is it… "We think because we've been trained in communication
that everyone should know what we know, when lawyers get together,
they speak the same language, now put them out in the world, they
might be bumbling idiots; it's pretty arrogant to think we're masters,
yet when Ian doesn't respond the way you want him to, you go off on
him, he doesn't deserve that, I've done the same thing to Krista,
then we feel like shit, no one wins…"
I couldn't
tell if my tears were blinding me or the rain…
As we were completing our conversation, another call was coming through…
you guest it… Ian…
This
is what I said, "Ian, for all the times I was mean to you, for
all the times I used nasty words, I'm sooo sorry" tears were
burning my eyes… "Thank you for staying, thank you for
being there so I could learn these lessons, thank you for not saying,
'fuck you I'm outa here'… being arrogant about how I communicate,
being a total asshole, I'm so sorry." He said, "I accept
your apology, and I take total responsibility for my part."
"I love you Ian." I love you too. Thanks…
this shifted my reality, bigger than big…
Had a
great time with my sister, after getting off the phone with Ian, I
thought about how my sister really doesn't know me, yes, she thinks
she knows me, yet what she remembers is our childhood, not the adult
Matty…
When I got there, hugged one another, chatted a bit, telling her while
I was driving thinking I was going to say to her, "I want my
sister to know who I am!" when I said that to her, she just looked
at me, tilting her head, not knowing where to put this statement…
or at least that was my take… what she really thought, I didn't
ask, she didn't say…
I gave
her Mary Croft's book, 'D', I would like you to read this, this IS
THE TRUTH, if you want to know what I've been doing for the past 2
1/2 years, you might have a tough time wrapping your mind around this,
being we've been given so many lie's, that to hear the truth might
be tough… she said she would read it… we'll see…
what ever..
It's
about 9:20 p.m. … Seems like the clouds are being eliminated
by the moon… standing outside of Ray's loft, the wall behind
is about 5 ft, away. The view through this space is limited, yet each
night I must stand out here… Tonight, while standing gazing
at the clouds with the blackest sky as its back drop, the clouds were
quiet still…
I've
had many dialogs with Itzomna {legend has it that Itzomna came to
teach the Maya, mathematics, language, reading and the Calendar}
He's been guiding us for a number of years…
Speaking
with him tonight, thanking him for his consistency, his ever presence,
and a great guide… then I asked him to enter a human body so
we could be lovers…
The cloud turned into his face, no mistaken this, then the wind changed
the front view to a profile…
Throwing him a kiss, asking him to catch it… putting my arms
out in front of me, eyes closed, I said, "We will know one another
the moment we look into our eyes." My body went into a total
relaxation mode, is if I were a feather…
5th March
After
speaking with Itzamna, being in grand appreciation of his appearance,
it was around 12;30 a.m. his energy remain with me… closing
my eyes, what appeared behind my eyes was a bolt of intense light,
the shape and size of a sward…
The energy
from the bolt ran through my body, from my grown to my toes…
A quiver took over, then there was no-thing, just relaxed sensations,
I lost touch with the sheets blow me… feeling as though I were
floating…
6th March..,
I'm at
Jodi's… My sweet daugher~in~love…
Yesterday, I told her about the 'transference', she said she wanted
to experience this… I told her, I knew I could guide her…
When I asked her a little while ago how she was feeling, she checked
in with herself, then said, "I feel content, nothings going on,
just content." Cool…
Well,
that's it for now… grateful for this computer… and able
to send this off…
I love you Mike Shore… In Lak'ech…
Matty
What a gift I've received today, my daughter~in~love,
Jodi… she and I had the entire day filled with Being
with one another, Maia {my youngest grandchild, who is
5, the eldest grandson is 18, hard to believe} she
wasn't feeling well, she slept, watched 'The Sound of
Music,' slept some more… We so enjoy one another;
there's 15 years difference in our age. My son was
born when I was 18; the gap is closing in… She loves
hearing stories about my life… she said; "You've done everything,
haven't you?" "Up to this date, yes, and there's so much
more that I intend to do."
Then tonight, back at Ray's loft, sharing the story
with him about the morning he came into the world… I
walked into the hospital at 6 am; Ray was born at
8:30…
I bowled up till the end… being I started bowling
when
I was 8, the doctor told me I was in great shape… when
I started bowling they had 'pin boys'… talk about
being in the right place at the right time… to have
experienced time before automations… wow. Having the
family be in the living room, listening to the RADIO,
my sister and I cutting out doll clothes for our paper
dolls, sometimes, 'D' {my sister} would design her own
doll clothes, they were much more beautiful then the
bought ones…
W E W E R E F A M I L Y . . .
WHAT HAPPENED?
No one thinks for themselves, we're failing the
generations that have followed…
This insanity went on until the Indigo children
entered the scene, then the Crystal children..
The children are leading us back to Eden…
Ray is a master craftsman, all of his work is
impeccable, he loves what he does, and it shows…
When Ray was 8, he asked me; "what is God?" we were
standing in our back yard… "Ray, see that tree, those
rocks, see the water, the dirt, sky… it's all God Ray,
it's all God." From that time on, he knew what he was
going to do when he grew up… work with water, stones,
wood… marvelous… he had another question… "what's
a
friend?" I said, "A friend is someone you let sleep
over your house." I like that one a lot… so did he…
Well, I'm still eating 'Cow', I've acquired a sweet
tooth… Ray said, "When you eat meat, your system
craves sugar to balance things out." Ok, makes sense
to me…
Funny, I'm sitting in bed writing, using a flashlight…
giggling, thinking about being a kid with a flashlight under my blanket…
If you were born around the same time as I, I'm sure
you didn't have a television… now look at us, we're
not dinosaurs, we've adapted quite well, ok, I'll
speak for myself, I'm proud of me, taking on a
computer, this was in '98, only 6 years after the
internet went up… it took a few months of self talk
before I convinced me, that I NEEDED to learn to use a computer, I
knew how to type that was a huge plus…
I started writing stories… the one I started
way back
then got complete just about a month ago… I asked Ian
to edit for me, he said it would be his pleasure…
7th March…
Maia still doesn't feel well, so, I'm sitting with
her… all's well, knowing that I'm being given what I
need, and being ok with it all…
I do
want a lap top, so anyone out there with one
that's not being used, I would be very grateful…
March 20th
"When we learn to resolve the darkness and the light
within ourselves, we can, as individuals and
collectively, stop projecting confusion and fear onto
others."
"To
be happy, you have to find variety in repetition,
that to go forward you have to come back where you
began."
As our
personal Consciousness evolves, being in a
clear state of awareness, in which a portal opens...
before approaching this portal, there hadn't been any indications
of it being there...
WATER:...
Gods Golden Nectar... Nectar of the Gods...
EARTH:...Grand
Momma, Giver of Life...
Sky:...
Heavenly Blanket, Protector, Direction
Finder...
Sun:...
Warmth, Guide, Grand Father, The Wise One...
This
Grand Illusion is unraveling, right on
schedule...
I've
released, and I've let go... Letting Spirit run
my Life {Turning it over to god} my higher being self
of the I Am... AKA...as Intuition...
the word
W A R showed up...
this
is what followed...
W without
A any
R regard
21st
March...
Letting
go of old attachments... knowing when to make
that move had been a huge challenge in my past...
today I see these changes more clearly... when our
collective energy is ready to take on a new path,
that's the queue to make your movement to know that
with clear communtication, the love that was there
when the relationship started with remain in tact,
your can love one ;another through your process...
This
is happening all around me, then letting go with
'Grace and Ease'... there's so much from my past that
wants to hold on... as long as i stay in the present
moment, breath in the I AM energy, stay present, know
that I am being divinely guided... then all's well...
Right
now I'm being put through an emotional test...
we all are... for those who are aware of "The
Schedule"... there's less struggle... the struggle
comes from the unknown...
Ever
since the Venice Transit, June 8th... the
magnitude of energy has increased ten fold... at least
that's what I'm experiencing...
"To
Be or Not To Be, That is the Question."
I choose
to BE... that's it, To Be...
23rd March 2005
New's flash, Ian recieved the results from his test,
They are possative, he has cancer in his Lymph
glands...
Surrounding ;him with Golden Light, invoking the
Violet Flame...
Bringing in All of my Healing Angels, wrapping their
wings around Ian, having him be free of any and all discomfort...
Surrounding Ian with The Violet Flame, The Flame will
remain until a shift occurs, the shift of WELLNESS,
HEALTH, WHOLENESS...
25th March... 2005
Full Moon this day,
We went into the mountains, Jodi, Reece, Maia, Spirit,
Lucky, and Me...
today is one of those California days where the sky is
so blue, i call it the Arizona sky... clean, crisp,
clear... unique...
Love is in the air, one could fall in love on a day
such as this... Today, I found ME, I hadn't known i
was lost until today, when I was found... what a
blessings, what a relief...
We watched the movie, 'Notebook.' ... how does this
kind of love happen in our 'real' world? Can it? Does
it? I continue my quest, is romance dead? Oh God, I
sure pray it's not...
I want to live a romantic story, not just read one,
or
watch one in the movies... I want to experience the
kind of love I watched in the movie...
I've been pulling a card from the Mayan Oracle
cards... I pulled Dreamer and Dreamed... pg 159
Always pulling what i need to hear... "The Dreamer
is awakening." destiny is dawning...
26th March...
While waiting for sleep to take me away, listening
to
the thoughts... "romance."
How do I view romance? Each one of us will have our
own interpretation of what 'romance' looks like...
In order for your mate to know what 'turns you on
romantically' you must know yourself first...
If i expect my mate to 'know', and he doesn't
perform, then I might find myself upset... well,
that's insane... in order for us to know anything, communication is
the link, ...
For me, romance can be quit simple... opening the
car
door, waiting for me to sit, then closing the door, a
loving glance, a kiss on my forehead, walking into the
room I'm in just to say, I love you...
a single white rose for now reason...
an unexpected phone call in the middle of the day,
just because he was thinking about me...
My list could go on, and on... so, I've given you
a
short version of mine, now you look to see what your
romantic moods are, Share them with your mate, and
what would be on your mates list...
This could be discussed over a candle lit dinner...
There's a romantic setting if I've ever seen one...
Men want to please us, you know that, they know this,
so, don't keep secrets... tell him what turns you on,
what brings juice to your relationship...
Remember, you're not him, and he's not you, you will
have different thoughts about what romance looks
like... are you willing to please one another?
This is a break through conversation... Have it, see
what happens...
Sleep
in separate bedrooms... invite him to yours,
candles, oils to massage his body ... get out of the
ho hum, mundane same ol, same ol, day in day out
stuff... what happened to the romance from the
beginning of your relationship... got stale...well, do something about
it... NOW...
27th
March.’05 Easter Sunday…
So,
it’s Easter, for this Jew, Easter is just another day… in fact, being
I grew up in an all Jewish neighborhood, I don’t think I learned about
Easter until I was a teenager… wild ah? No difference for all the
non~Jews about Passover, Passover is the holiday that was celebrated
in my home, and the entire neighborhood… So, I’m sure there are many
out there who haven’t a clue what Passover is… so what? I think
the entire holiday thing is out of control anyway… what was once a
celebration, has become way to commercialized… oh well, this too shall
pass…
No
matter, I had a GREAT day, alone in Ray’s loft, my morning moved slowly,
nice…
Spirit
and I went for a long walk, it’s different here on Sunday, the trucks
are resting, so the noise level is way down… this is good, being Spirit
freaks when the trucks get to close… he jumps… it’s going to be wonderful
getting him back to Canada… soon, really soon…
I
called Nancy, wishing her a wonderful day… she’s concerned about my
well being, what my friends are observing is the relationship with
Ian, and how they’re witnessing our relationship… I’ve asked/requested
them to not collapse us, that what Ian is choosing to do, and how
he is living his life has nothing to do with the choices I’m making…
I love Ian, and I’ve released him… I’m more content now then I’ve
been in a very long time…
I
called Jo-e, thanking her for last night, going to the theater, what
a hoot… “Spicy Jack and The Space Vixens”… small theater, packed house…
I had a smile on my face through the entire performance… Jo-e, Krista,
Kelly, Donnie, Nina, and Me… great time…
Still
Sunday… Spirit and I drove to the beach, we walked for a bit, then
sat in the van with the side doors open, there was a wonderful breeze,
the air wafting through… Spirit was totally content, being I was sitting
with him, we were just being…
Every
now and then, Ian would come to mind… I sent him all my healing angles,
surrounding him with golden light, then invoking him with the Violet
Flame… I was feeling him so strong, don’t know where he is, or what
he’s doing… doesn’t matter, knowing that love has always been the
foundation that we’ve stood on, everything else is an illusion…
Kathleen
called, oh how I love this woman… Jonne called, asking me to come
to Flagstaff, I would have a place to stay, and Jonne and I have a
such a great time, we create great happenings… I’m thinking about
it…
The
beach is alive, people roller bladein, biking, walking, lying on the
sand, playing volleyball… this is one of those perfect California
days… The City of Angles…
I’m
surmising that because I grew up in LA, I would take this as an ordinary
day, I don’t… I don’t take anything for granted, the beach has always
been a place that brought comfort, contentment… the beach is mine…
my secret get away…
29th
March. Tuesday…
My
heart is cracking open… I’ve been weeping for three days, on and off
for 3 days…
I
signed up onto a Senior Dating service…over the internet… the site
found me… really it did…
Scanning
photo’s of men, I was challenged by this new expression of ME…
“This
face looks sweet, kind, gentle, loving… there were other photos of
him, each one gave me the same sweet, loving kind face…”
I
wrote, he wrote back, I was at Jo-e’s when I opened the email, I said
to Jo-e, “this letter came,” while I read it and Jo-e listened, I
was so moved that I wept, “he touched your heart mom.” Looking into
my daughters eyes, her love was powering all over me…
We
hugged, she rocked me as if I were the child… while looking at me,
she said, “I love you like this, I love how real you are.” We hugged
more, not wanting to let go… Oh my God, how blessed I am… Right
now, my tears and nose are running… about an hour later, Kelly came
over to Jo-e’s {they call one another sister} I told her about this
man who I found on the senior dating site… she said, “that’s cool,
goodonya mom.” I asked her if I could read the letter he wrote to
me… she said, of course… reading it to her, again I wept… Kelly said,
“you’re opening your heart.”
I
wrote back, sharing with this man whom at this time doesn’t have a
name, telling him how touched I was with his words… beautiful…
That
was yesterday, the 28th, I received a letter today, his
words sink directly into my heart…
Speaking
with Ray, saying, what this feels like is growing pains… like when
I was growing up, and out grew my clothes faster then mom could keep
up… they were painful… Ray said, he remembered, and yes, he remembered
they were painful…so, these are amazing growing pains… I’m so grateful
for them, living way outside the box.
Yah,
yah, I live outside the box, yet what’s happening here is bigger than
big…
What
I’ve witnessed about my choices of men, I would choose them knowing
it was short term… it was way to painful for me when they left… I’ve
had my share of deaths in my life, starting at the age of eight… I
don’t handle the leaving part very well, so it’s easier to choose
someone that I know what stick around… now that I know this, I can
choose differently… I love, I love deeply, yet there’s always, or
almost always a hold out… a shield that I kept around my heart, just
in case…
I
didn’t know this on a conscious level, not until yesterday when my
heart cracked open… rather the shield cracked, now it’s up to me to
remove the shield totally…
How
else can one eat an egg, the shell MUST come off…
I
did my first Tai Qi class tonight, I love it, the slow movement, feeling
MY body, directing it to move in ways I haven’t moved since my childhood…
31st
March…
Reading;
“Middlesex.” By Jeffrey Eugenides… this book won a Pulitzer Prize…
On
page 478 he has a brief explanation about the evolutionary biology’
men are hunters, women, gathers… nurture no longer formed us, nature
did…
Impulses
of hominids dating from 20,000 B.C. were still controlling us
Why
can’t men communicate? {Because they had to be quiet on the hunt.}
Why
do women communicate so well? {Because they had to call out to one
another where the fruits and berry’s were}
Why
can men never find things around the house? {Because they have a narrow
field of vision, useful in tracking prey.}
Why
can women find things so easily? {Because in protecting the nest they
were used to scanning a wide field}
Makes
perfect sense to me, our differences are our differences, accept them,
give up any judgment that they {men} should be more like us… and for
them, we should be more like them… It would be boring, if we were
all alike…
“Each
of us is endowed with an infinite soul… a living force that is indestructible,
whole and everlasting… Nonetheless , we often struggle with the limitations
of our body and our abilities.”
“The
brain and central nervous system will react, behave or respond as
if the imagined event is true… There is no difference between an imagined
event and an actual event…That’s why your body becomes tense when
viewing a particularly intense action scene in a movie you can rationalize
with your mind that its only a movie… and yet your body still responds
as if it were real…”
Written by; Paula Peterson
My
Human Design is, I’m an “Emotional Manifester,” there are times
when an issue comes up, or someone asks me a question, there are times
when I would respond to quickly… then have regrets… I’m noticing my
discomfort almost immediately now, so when I read this I had a breath
of fresh air…
{Never
make a decision based on your observations… Think of what you saw
and what you heard… Analyze the facts and make the decision}
Well,
that put me right side up…
Friends
are asking me, “How are you doing this?” There are days where I feel
fantastic, other days when I question this whole human experience,
getting outa here would be the chicken way out…so, my reply is… “It’s
a miracle.”
That was the line in Shakespeare in Love…
There
are times when the road gets really dark, when there’s someone who’s
reaching out a hand, the only thing I know to do is take it…
Having
the best time of my life, right here, right now…
Reminding
myself to Stay Centered, Stay Present, to Stay Grounded, Loving, lover,
love… be loved…
The
grandness of this journey, oh my gawd, how blessed I AM, the fruits
are dripping, they’re so ripe, sweet nectar running down my arm, dripping
from my elbow, it’s so sweet, Spirit is standing at my elbow so he
can catch the drops..
9:15
p.m. Haven’t written this much in one day for some time… I just started
my 5th notebook, the big fat collage rule, spiral one’s…
I
started posting back in June ’04, I’m blown away, so much of what
I hand write, doesn’t get posted… by the time I get to a computer,
so much of what I’d written doesn’t feel worthy… and some of it is
complaints, then when I write the complaint, it vanishes, so, there’s
no reality to it any longer… it’s antiquated, so why bother… then,
there’s stuff that’s personal, stuff that isn’t appropriate…
Even
if you tell me you’ll be my best friend, for now, I won’t tell…besides…
they don’t have the hold they had when I wrote them… so, it’s under
water…
So
what I’m saying is Laugh now… This is The most exciting time of our
lives…
There
are souls who’ve been waiting for THIS TIME to take up a human body,
they’ve NEVER been here, NEVER… there’s some special times awaitin
for all of us who can stick around for it… even with all the shifts
and changes… with all the commotion that we’re witnessing… Eden is
around the next bend… hang in there…
More
to come… blessings…
More to come soon---->>>>>
